
o 

' • 1 1 * 


A° V V- O *..-.• a 0 *<? 

\0 * s ^ V t T * °* c* a 9 * s f / * 



: ^ - 

* «> 

Ow0 ° s <r 

V *l m °* cv *0 

■<*\' 'SSlfM” s' 5 

C Wf* ^ % •-. 

^ • • A v V ° • * 


.* 


* / 


<J> * • « o ^ O 

s • • r ^ X 4 \ * _ 

, ^ V * Y # C 

a i ► -ft 5* ♦ 




o S 


° <L^ * \0 7^. 

* -<1 ■ O *. f ~ r -/'sJ/^+ ^ f\ 4/1 

o- ,--, -> ° \* % *•■’* *° v 

** .veto* + * v -li'i'- °* '° *"■ 

W *• ^ - 



*9 »VV., 

v * , 



















c> *cr 

■>- 0 » 

• ■*> ,v »• 

o ; 

t vT* b ° 

° 0^'’'%, o 

* v ^ 


£ -* 

* • 

5 ' \* <*> 'o -V '’’ ^ 

,° £ °-*- ^ 

v - \x^h~ . <^.^ o * ^cllr^s 0 ^ * 

^ O - . , , • 0 ^ -..O' ^ 

* ^ * v >lei:v v. J> * v\. 



v* ^ . , 

. o V 




4" , 


■vP 

A** 

4 ^ ° 

, V V -. 

5 ^ ^ ' 

- O > *, *•#> 

*r - N * iffrl[//?-> *7 

- ^ «4 s * *■£> 



^ 4 
v*V 


* „ v ^ 

O • A - ^ \D 



>P^ 

'* O 0 * - 

A° ^ * * * 0 * 

9 *> V X 

'; %a* ' 



^ 0 



; * /\ 

Vv , v > » <£. 

J* ,‘*w. * c 

* •^^-h -w ° 


^ °- *. 

r ’ * °- c> <0 V -, 

* 'P. v J 

P <4 * 

“ ^ V 

/ 4 V ^ * 



< 



A ~ "'•”•*• v 4 

qV 0 » G , ’'q j4 . 1 ' * ^ 

* <N + jpfl ///tl-. - ^ 

- \4 *• A 

* o > 


*± *.\il^>7 / ^ 

+ 


^ <6 * 

<y ^ 




<$> 0 „ o 

0* \> \> , 

^ & <o y 

* ^ ^4 ' J 

.* /\ -a 

<* 'o.;- _o v o 


























“POINTERS" 

TO 

Commercial Travellers 

OR 

HOW TO BECOME A 
SUCCESSFUL SALESMAN 


Interspersed with a Few Reminiscences, 
Experiences and Witticisms. 


By FRANK B. TINELLI. 






HF£-<h- 

x & 


LIBRARY of CONGRESS 
Two Copies Received 

JAN 7 1907 

v Cepyrleht Entry . 

% >, 0 b 

CLASS A XXCmNo, 

JL/ILj 

COPY B. 






CONTENTS 


Chapter No. i—“Dangers” &c., You Encounter on 
Sleepers. 

Chapter No. 2—Your Duties to Your Firm, and Your 
Customers. 

Chapter No. 3—Don't be a “Quitter.” 

Chapter No. 4—“Memorandum Willies;” The Curse of 
the Road Men. 

Chapter No. 5—Cincinnati; Just the “Fromage.” 

Chapter No. 6—How to Approach a New Customer: 
With a Toothpick or an Axe. 

Chapter No. 7—How to Act on the Road: The “First 
Nighters.” 

Chapter No. 8—The Villian of the Play. The Credit 
Man. 

Chapter No. 9—Our President; And Centralization of 
Big Industries. 

Chapter No. 10—The Baggage Man: And a Little Phil¬ 
anthropy. 


Chapter No. u—Persistency, Perseverence; And Square 
Dealings. 

Chapter No. 12—Hotels: Also the Snags You’ll En¬ 
counter. 

Chapter No. 13—Schlitzville, “Milwaukee; Makes All 
Beers Famous. 

Chapter No. 14—Funny Incidents. 

Chapter No. 15—Getting “Off Your Groove.” 

Chapter No. 16—The Boys’ Experiences; So Far. 

Chapter No. 17—More Experiences; Not Sad. 

Chapter No. 18—“A Corn Husker” Senator. “A Trouble 
Maker.” 

Chapter No. 19—Sonny Does Give “It” to Papa. 

Chapter No. 20—A Man for Sale: As Road Business; 
Is Hell. 

Chapter No. 21—Papa Gets Some More from His Off¬ 
spring. 

Chapter No. 22—Timely Advice, from the Young to the 
Old. Also Apologies, for This. 


PREFACE. 


All novices and amateurs generally commence by 
offering apologies for their acts, etc. I shall be no ex¬ 
ception to the rule, and take this occasion (under above 
heading) in my first literary attempt to ask the kind in¬ 
dulgence of my many friends, and the public in general, 
for the torture I may impose on them if they find time to 
read the 150 pages of this “Non-Descript.” My thirty 
years' on the road has given me many practical experi¬ 
ences, that may prove instructive to Manufacturers, Job¬ 
bers, Commission Agents, Merchants, Buyers, and last 
but not least, Commercial Travelers. If I have written 
that which may not fully meet with your ideas, views or 
approval, remember I am but human. But do not lose 
sight of the fact that Clergymen, Judges, Lawyers, Phys¬ 
icians and Politicians differ in their teachings and opin¬ 
ions, so it is with us all. So hope my few remarks and 
sayings will not prove as an infringment on your valu¬ 
able time, and hope before you reach the “Final Ditch” 
it may at least cause a healthy “Quaker Oat” smile to 
predominate over your open work countenance, as I have 
interpersed the same with a few quaint expressions and 
sayings, which I hope will meet with your approval. 

Is the wish of very respectfully, 


FRANK B. TINELLI. 


CHAPTER i. 


“Dangers,” &c., You Encounter on Sleepers. 

Of course, my son, to-night’s ride will give you 
somewhat of a rest after these ten days of arduous toil, 
and still it is a thing that will occur twice a year at the 
opening of each season when all the Jobbers and their 
Buyers and also the larger 'Merchants come to New 
York, and Philadelphia, to make their contracts and do 
their purchasing for the six months. While it is wear¬ 
ing on you, it is customary to entertain and take care of 
your trade in the best manner and way you possibly can. 
I always found it paid to properly care and entertain 
your visiting trade, and it is the least courtesy you 
might extend them. And while I appreciate it is a hard 
proposition to work during the day and entertain even¬ 
ings to suppers and theatres during those ten days, in 
the end it is satisfactory to know that you have taken 
proper care and entertained your friends, as they appre- 


8 


“dangers” &c., you encounter on sleepers 


ciate it, and in the end your business results will be grat¬ 
ifying to you and your hrm. It is time and money well 
spent. In all the books I have read I have found the 
first thirty-four pages generally gave me the description 
of two trees and a lawn, the next nineteen pages des¬ 
cribing the house and rooms, the next ten pages a sort of 
weather report, and by the time I usually got to page 
sixty-five I then was introduced to several characters that 
the author or authoress were going to enlighten me on. 
It would take 200 pages for me to describe to you the 
beauties of Long Island Sound which the “Clam Diggers” 
up here call next to Heaven, and it may be so, but were 
I to devote 200 pages of this work to try and give you a 
thorough description of that sheet of water and its sur¬ 
roundings, I fear my many friends might think I was 
boosting or plugging for some Real Estate Co. So will 
not waste a lot of your valuable time describing the shack 
and its surroundings that I am penning this Non-Des¬ 
cript in; And as this is your first trip—I'll run over as 
far as Pittsburg with you, Louie, and in the meantime en¬ 
deavor to give you a few suggestions and timely advice 



“dangers” &c., you encounter on sleepers 


9 


as to your duties to your employer and yourself. I know 
you pretty well, boy, your traits and charactistics, and 
while I do not desire to put a “Snapple Bit” or a muzzle 
on you, I wish to remind you if you have an imaginary 
idea in that “Pudding Head” of yours that you are out 
to attend one of those “Fly by Night Open Work Pic¬ 
nics,” dispell it long before we reach Newark. It is a 
case of hustle and push your feet in front of you, from 
the drop of your head gear, if you expect to bring home 
the Bon-Bons. To achieve greatness in any calling in 
life, boy, requires effort. You cannot assassinate time 
without hurting character; Yes, actions are more elo¬ 
quent than words, but character speaks louder than eith¬ 
er. 

I have given a lot of advice in my life time, as it is 
a cheap commodity, and you do not have to dig very deep 
into your “Blue Jeans” to hand it out. And here is a good 
opportunity to commence with you, especially about a 
few of the dangers, if I may term them such, you will en¬ 
counter on Sleepers. Now you see those three young 
ladies in berth No. 7, they are what the “Johnnie Boys” 



IO 


“dangers” &c., you encounter on sleepers 


call Soubrettes; Well, watch their play, and see if they 
do not “Corell it,” in No. 6, his name is Cohenstein, a 
good fellow (a new name for a sucker), he travels for a 
clothing house on Broadway near 4th Street.” Now, 
about 5 P. M., that man with the North Carolina com¬ 
plexion will come through the car and announce that, 
“Dinner is now ready in the Dining Car, the last car in 
the rear.” That, my boy, is a good time to duck “Sou¬ 
brettes,” and “Hie Thee” to the Smoking Section, but as I 
told you the above “Good Thing” has been handed the 
Mit,” he has them in tow. And then has to charge up 
three extra “Plunks” and trimmings of the firm’s money 
for blowing them off to a dinner. Louie, they are the 
kind of women that make a scarcity of servant girls. Did 
you notice one of them going down into her “Open All 
Night” lisle thread Bank and pull out that piece of cha¬ 
mois?” Well, that is one of the many dangers you en¬ 
counter on Cars. Cut it out Boy, each and every time. 
Now, notice the gentleman in the clerical garb in No. 5 
with Hell and Death deciphted on his face. I have al¬ 
ways been a great respector of a man’s religion, and his 




“dangers” &c., you encounter on sleepers 


11 


politics, as they are his private property, and he has a 
just right to believe and think as he sees fit, but before 
we get to Trenton, I’ll wager he will get into conversa¬ 
tion or argument, with some other passenger. He is a 
clergyman. Did I not tell you, see! he has corelled.” 
“That,” with a Shillalah” face in No. 4 , And before he 
reaches Quakertown he will endeavor to convince his 
“Jags” in No. 4 that he, and he alone, and his denomina¬ 
tion is the only right and rapid transit route to the “Good 
Grounds.” You notice he is one of those divinely inspir¬ 
ed men who spend most of their working hours arrang¬ 
ing displays of ignorance, and furnishing their own sam¬ 
ples. Always shun arguments with that class of gentle¬ 
man. You stand some show in an argument with a “Life 
Saver,” but ncne with a “Soul Saver.” Simply say to 
him, that it is a lucky thing we were not all born clergy¬ 
men, if we had been, you and I would to-day be riding on 
a camel’s back instead of a Pullman Sleeper going fifty 
miles an hour. So always shun arguments with that 
class of gentleman. 

Now, there is another chap you had better side track, 




12 


“dangers” &c., you encounter on sleepers 


that “Thing” in No. 9 with the noisy suit of clothes on 
that you could go out and scare automobiles with, and a 
neck-tie on that would “Free Cuba,” and rather long hair. 
Always steer clear of long haired men, and short haired 
women. His name is Crompton, and he claims to travel 
for a wholesale Drug House in New York City; he is a 
short card sharp, and always carries a dozen decks of 
“Readers” in his grip, and his game is Traveling Sales¬ 
men. He makes his head-quarters in Chicago when 
West. I know that neither you or I, look like a couple 
of Plough Chasers,” but we all look alike to him, and 
he is liable to give you a short line of “Converse” after I 
leave you at Pittsburg, as he does not like me, as I once 
made him give up seventy dollars and threatened to alter 
and dent his face. If he approaches you and invites you 
to dally with the “Pippins” inform him you never gamble 
with strangers or men who ought to be doing the 
Boards on the Coney Island Boats. As he can turn a 
mule’s ear to look like a cranberry. He surely can do 
stunts with the paste-boards: You won’t phase him or 
hurt his feelings. I only envy a thief of that kind the 



i3 


“dangers” &c., you encounter on sleepers 


tonic he feeds his nerve on. Now, boy, those are only a 
few of the “Grafts” yon will meet on Sleepers: Graft is 
a political definition for “A Hold Up.” Louie, it is a 
case of “Tips” from the moment you put your foot on 
the step of your Sleeper, the colored porter on the train, 
the waiter in the dining car (or he is liable to spit in your 
soup), the porter at the hotel, also the head porter, the 
bell boy, the chamber maid, and the waiter in the dining 
room. You cannot avoid it, you must give up, if you 
want proper attention. If you have a lower berth (which 
you can always procure if you apply for same in time) 
and some very old lady or gentleman, has the upper 
berth, that is another case of “Give Up,” like a gentleman. 
That is provided the Sleeping Car Conductor is not also 
working you, to do so, and he is holding a lower reserve 
as a “Work Out” for himself; As they are very “Cagey” 
lot of boys. 

There are many young men who start out to make 
their mark in the world but stop too often at a soda foun¬ 
tain or a “Hammock” on the way; if you do, boy, it’s you,, 
with summer clothes in the winter. Because you, per- 



14 


“dangers” &c., you encounter on sleepers 


haps, think you have had superior advantages of a thor¬ 
ough education, never let it impress you with a haughty 
or unwarranted feeling of superiority. Always treat the 
hotel clerks with those (“So Near Diamonds” in their 
shirt fronts) affably, give them a “Glad Hand” and a 
“Jolly.” You are then liable to get a sample room with a 
bath. The majority of them are a jovial set of good 
fellows, but there are a few that, to tell the truth, it 
would not look well in cold type to say what I think 
of them. A lot of them ought to be working in Cold 
Storage plants. If the latter class had the ability of or¬ 
dinary intelligence they would be on the road, instead of 
getting fifteen per week. When you strike one of these 
“Frosts” never give him the opportunity to do you, sit 
on him from the start. They imagine that play of theirs 
is dignity, it's simply a lack of good breeding and com¬ 
mon sense. Dignity is a thing born in a mule and in¬ 
herited by a lot of d-d fools on this earth. Force of cir¬ 

cumstances often make hotel clerks out of men that are 
fitted for better positions. 




CHAPTER 2. 

Your Duties to Your Firm, and Your Customers. 

Our friend, Mr. . A. Cavanagh, once said that the 
Drummer of to-day had to be scientist. I heartily agree 
with him. While I never sold goods on a scientific basis, 
still I appreciate that it sometimes takes more than a sci¬ 
entist to grasp the situation, to know how to handle some 
merchants and buyers. Then it is when “Patience is a 
Virtue.” I allude to a new customer, especially men you 
are not familiar with; of course, with your regular custo¬ 
mers you thoroughly know how to approach them. But 
always use logical reasoning in your conversation with 
them; act as a sort of invigorating tonic the moment you 
enter his store. You will often find many merchants 
master the Fine Art of calculating your prices, with your 
competitors, also Datings, Freight allowances, etc., etc. 
He takes them all into consideration before purchasing 
his goods, and you will find very few doing business with 


i6 


YOUR DUTIES TO YOUR FIRM 


you, on a friendship basis. If you will only combine busi¬ 
ness judgment with a little diplomacy you will surely get 
your increase in salary and make yourself indispensable 
to your firm. Try politeness purely as a business or spec¬ 
ulative proposition, see if the dividends do not surprise 
you. I am glad to see that you have taken a commercial 
business as a mode to make your living. Always love 
your work, it leads to your success. Business is not only 
a great civilizer of people, but it is also the greatest edu¬ 
cator and developer of character in the world, for it is a 
perpetual school; in fact, a life university. Be sure you 
know your man and his habits; you may ask him to take 
a cigar or a drink. He may abhor both; a blunder like 
that may cost you many an order. Always be shrewd 
and alert to gain the good will of your customers, be fair 
and honest with them, and never bring up a religious or 
a political discussion with any customer. Sell your 
goods on their merits and the prices given you by your 
firm, and cut out the above controversies. You will find 
there are few merchants, or buyers who will ever ques¬ 
tion your religious beliefs. Be thorough in your work, 



YOUR DUTIES TO YOUR FIRM 


17 


and apply yourself to all conditions that you may en¬ 
counter; and stand absolutely upon your own resources. 
As you will find the larger majority of the business done 
to-day is done on the road and through Commercial Trav¬ 
ellers. The duty of the manufacturer is to protect his 
plant and his customers, and the jobber must realize that 
he is in the open market of competition, the same as the 
Manufacturer and must, and ought to stand on his own 
footing. The day of the Drummer is a thing of the 
past. Once in a while you will run across one, with a 
“Russell Sage” suit of clothes on his back, an oil-cloth 
grip with samples of sand paper, mucilage and whisk 
brooms, etc. And a few Cremos in his vest pocket which 
we term “Bribes.” Now in 1906, it is the Commercial 
Traveller well groomed, affable, agreeable, polite and 
genial; and if needs be can argue or debate on any ordin¬ 
ary subject. He is strictly business and entirely effec¬ 
tive. He is an originator of ideas, conforms to all rules of 
establishments he enters, and never oversteps the bounds 
of propriety, never “Fresh,” that class of youngsters, are 
being taught their lessons daily. Like an actor you must 




i8 


VOUR DUTIES TO YOUR FIRM 


be natural in all your dealings and conversations, you do 
not need any boosting; your success or failure to land 
your orders (if your customer will do you the justice, 
and courtesy to look at your goods) lies solely in your 
personal ability. You will find some men, you will have 
to eulogize your goods to, while to others you simply 
have to give your “Mouth a Holiday/’ unless questioned. 
Never impose a sticker, on any customer, if your firm 
is foolish enough to make an undesirable pattern or color, 
your trade should not suffer, by imposing the same on 
them. And if a customer should ask you if that has 
proven a good thing and sold well, then is your time to 
be truthful and honest, never deceive your trade in that 
respect, if you do, you lose his confidence; And that’s as 
bad as losing your “Meal Ticket,” and you’ll never own 
or be the possessor of one of those “Yellow Books” with 
a picture of a bee-hive on the outside; And on which it 
reads: “In prosperity prepare for adversity,” boy, look 
out for the latter. 

Note all of the above carefully, study it as your Pri¬ 
mer lesson. While many of your friends may think you 




YOUR DUTIES TO YOUR FIRM 


J 9 


are a fine looking piece of “Bric-a-Brac,” cut out mash¬ 
ing, there is nothing to it. And to-day employers are 
not looking for drunkards, gamblers, or mashers to rep¬ 
resent them on the road. 

No merchant has got the right to put his price on 
any manufacturer’s goods, that’s a privilege the manu¬ 
facturer reserves to himself. He knows the exact cost 
of manufacturing his fabrics and goods, better than the 
merchant; It might be just as unreasonable for the manu¬ 
facturer to put his prices on said merchant’s wares and 
chattels: The merchant naturally conducts his own 
affairs, and regulates his commodities, at figures which he 
considers fair and equitable, so it must be with the man¬ 
ufacturer; And the merchant must adhere to the same. 
The good things are not all taken up now any more than 
they were when men now rich, were poor working boys. 
Any man with energy and a “Never say, Die” spirit can 
work out of the rut and make an aim and fortune for him¬ 
self, and his position in life twenty years from now will 
be in exact ratio with the energy he has to display. The 
moment your soup is cool then commence trade talk, your 



20 


YOUR DUTIES TO YOUR FIRM 


work is no lay off. After meals always use a finger bowl, 
it’s benficial for your “Chin Weeds.” Never eat at 
those Railroad Depot troughs (as we term them) unless 
you carry a Hot Water bag, and a Mustard Plaster to 
relieve the effects of your foolishness. Charlie, my man¬ 
ager, once said that Velvet carpets, sold them¬ 
selves ; But I found that trying to sell same and the rest 
of the Junk and Plunder I was carrying throughout the 
country at one and two cents a yard more than any other 
manufacturer’s goods, of the same grade, finally torment¬ 
ed my vocal vibration, And assassinated my articulation 
to such an extent that my voice sounded like an under¬ 
ground train; And knocked all the phonetic spelling idea 
out of my system. No matter how good or popular your 
line may be, you’ll realize before you return to old Man¬ 
hattan Isle, that you have spent many a busy hour, 
booking an order on same; No goods sell themselves; 
It takes good hard labor to accomplish good results. I’ll 
never forget once, one of the most affable gentlemen in 
our business who was manager, etc., for the largest car¬ 
pet manufacturers in this country invited me, (whenever 





YOUR DUTIES TO YOUR FIRM 


21 


I was at liberty), to call on him, which I did (some twen¬ 
ty years ago). And I stated my case and mission to him, 
and he treated me very courteously. At last the question 
of salary came up betwen us, and he asked what salary I 
required. I answered so much per annum. He stated, 
“My, Mr. T. we only have two salesmen we pay that high 
salary to, and you ought to realize that our line of goods 
practically sell themselves;” I replied “Yes,” it is a good 
popular line, but I also realized that ten days prior to my 
visit, you had an auction sale, and sold 60,000 rolls of 
your goods under the hammer with “Red Flag Attach¬ 
ments,” And reminded him that I was not a policeman or 
looking for policeman’s wages. I left him in perfect good 
humor, after above conversation, and he asked as a fa¬ 
vor that I should return on the following day for his 
definite answer as he liked the way I talked. Forty- 
two minutes after leaving him, I engaged with Messrs. 
Sylvester, Hilton & Co., at the salary demanded from the 
above gentleman. I only allude to the above, to remind 
Manufacturers and Jobbers that it takes good, hard 
work and ability to sell goods, no matter how popular 
their line may be. 







CHAPTER 3. 

Don’t be a “Quitter.” 

Never be afraid to sell a bill of gods on a Friday, if it 
even breaks into the 23rd of the month, and it’s your thir¬ 
teenth order. In entering a man’s store don’t have the 
imaginary idea you are entering a “Love Syndicate of 
Charming Widows Head-quarters;” And never stand for 
any “Pipe Dream Recitals,” from any buyers as you are 
liable to get “Expurgorated Brain Throb” (whatever that 
means.) Magnetic personality is the radiance of vital 
force, the overflow of healthy vigorous energy. Try it 
in your work, Louie. There is a term used in athletic 
sports that applies to the man who loses courage, when 
things go against him: They call him a “Quitter.” If 
you are a “Quitter” you know the reason because you 
haven’t got the nerve. So never lose that essential, boy, 
When the Merchant or Buyer commences to talk shop, 
then get chummy, don’t stand with your “Soup Cooler” 


24 


don’t be a “quitter” 


open like a “Dirty Deuce” or a “Harlem Goat” with bats 
in your bell-fry, then cut in and busy yourself. Now as 
Columbus, Ohio, is your first stop you’ll find it a quaint 
old town, but the merchants are a bright and progressive 
lot. I think I posted you as to the characteristics of my 
friends, whom you have to call on first. If they are too 
busy to look at you at once, then visit their neighbors 
across the street, as you cannot afford to assasinate too 
much time with any one man, your time is too valuable. 
As our friend, Klein, says in the “Lion and the Mouse”: 
“When the cat jumps you jump”: so stand no monkeying 
with any Merchant or Buyer who is consuming too much 
of your time. As I said above the merchants I mention 
to you will, I know, treat you with proper courtesy and 
consideration. The Chittenden is the best hotel for you 
to stop at. Their cemetery is held in very high esteem 
by all the live merchants, also their State Prison: The 
only two points of interest in said town. Join the school 
of hustle, boy, it beats all professions on earth; But you’ll 
have to constantly push your feet in front of you, hard 
and fast to keep up with the Cornet player in the Band, 




don’t be a “quitter 1 


25 


otherwise you’ll keep company with the Bass Drummer. 
But in your hustle never neglect trade, remember you’re 
a long way from Broadway, And don’t overlook the mis¬ 
sion you are out there for. It’s sugestive to remind you 
also that the merchant and his buyer’s time is just as 
valuable as yours. The young ladies he engages in his 
respective departments are not hired by him for the pur¬ 
pose of entertaining Commercial Travellers. So Skid- 
doo the moment you are through. Never visit a custo¬ 
mer with a cigar, pipe or cigarette in your mouth, or the 
smell of Bulgarian Water on your breath. Neither can 
you ever sell a bill of goods with a bunch of Tracks or 
Prayer Book under your arm. Religion, Politics, and 
business never hitch well toegther, the former is too sa¬ 
cred to mingle with the others, so keep them apart. 
Never condemn a competitor’s line of goods, as it will 
surely revert to you. Never stay in a town after trans¬ 
acting your business, take the next train out for your 
destination. You will often notice Manufacturers and 
the Mill Superintendents have the exalted and the imag¬ 
inary idea that their goods, qualities, patterns and color- 



26 


don’t be a “quitter” 


ings are the best in the market. They should go in the 
open market once in a while, see what their competitors 
are doing and making, compare qualities and fabrics, and 
educate themselves as to what their competitors are man¬ 
ufacturing, and as to the relative merits of products and 
their worth. As often under certain conditions they are 
liable to put a false, or a higher valuation on their own 
fabrics. The Manufacturer should always hold the Mill 
Superintendent personally responsible for all misprints 
and imperfections in his goods, as that is a source of a 
big loss to him; It’s not only the immediate loss sustain¬ 
ed by manufacturing said imperfect goods, but it’s liable 
to get a very bad reputation for his fabrics and wares. 
Often that Superintendent of Mill (to cover up his care¬ 
lessness), permits said imperfect goods to be shipped to 
some customer. Said customer naturally makes his claim 
for said imperfections, or return said goods and he gets 
disgusted with your line: The next time you visit him you 
have a herculean task convincing him of that error, of the 
Mill, And you often lose that customer. Such things 
circulate and naturally your competitor often uses that 



don’t be a “quitter” 


27 


against you. Besides your firm are put to the expense of 
paying freight both ways, for the return of said goods. I 
once had over 300 rolls of goods returned to a firm I was 
employed by, simply because about ten rolls of their said 
carpets were imperfect, and the /Manufacturer not only 
lost that customer, but also was put to the expense of 
paying freight for those 300 rolls. If that Superintend¬ 
ent of the Mill had been a little more careful, the above 
would not have occurred. Some people use their tongues 
as their Sword, (and they are never permitted to rust), 
shun them. You want to always establish a certain rule 
governing your actions and movements, always convince 
the merchant or buyer, that he is addressing a gentleman, 
no matter boy, how young you may be, you will surely 
demand his respect. No life amounts to much until it has 
a program. Something definite, something particular. 
Nothing else can take the place of it. Kducation cannot, 
talent cannot, hard work cannot. Until there is a definite 
aim, the energies will run to waste, the ability be squan¬ 
dered, the facilities deteriorate, when working without a 
definite end. 




CHAPTER 4 * 

44 Memorandum Willie*; n The Curse of the 
Road Men. 

It’s always good policy to adhere to all rules govern¬ 
ing the stores you enter. Merchants have the right to es¬ 
tablish same governing his establishment. Call on them 
at the hour they require of you, as they and their buyers 
do not want you to call just during their busy time. But 
on the other hand, you must insist, on that Merchant 
or Buyer, (if they make an engagement with you, to 
look at your wares and goods), They must be just as 
prompt in keeping said engagement with you, as they 
require you to conform with their rules and hours; If 
he says “I will look at you at 9 A. M.” that does not 
mean 10 A. M. As you may have another engagement 
for that hour to show some one else. Now, boy, you’ll 
sometimes strike what we term, “Memorandum Willies”; 
They are the real Snag, and the curse of all road men, 


3 ° 


“memorandum willies” 


and if they don’t know it, they are either Knaves or d—d 
fools. A Conditional, or Memorandum order is what 
we call 'Taper Talk,” they are no earthly good, so don’t 
waste your time on such creatures, shun them, as you 
can utilize your time to a better advantage. They are 
the biggest obstacle, you will encounter on your trav¬ 
els. You would do better going out, and give a China¬ 
man a Music Lesson. Now, Louie, I know you are 
full of "Sporting Blood,” but take my advice, keep from 
the race-track or all other gambling hells. You most 
positively can never beat a Gambler at his game. And 
you meet men at such places that you would be ashamed 
to recoginize under any condiion. The “Ponies” will 
surely send you wearing Summer clothes in the Winter. 
There are more boys and men, to-day wearing “Dolly 
Varden” suits in prison, that have been driven there, by 
the race-track, than any other crime. There are two 
things you must avoid if you ever expect to become a 
successful salesman, Gambling and Drink. Your busi¬ 
ness is liable to make you extravagant in your habits, be 
a little circumspect in spending money. A good man 




* ‘memorandum willies” 


31 


hasn’t much time to waste on “Good Fellows” (a new 
name for a Chump). You’ll find men are a great deal 
like dogs; the louder they bark the less they bite. 

You can never sell everyone in a city, no matter 
how good, or fine your line may be. 

Always go into a store, with your head up, and your 
tail over the “Dash Board.” 

A “Veil of Tears” will never get you an order. 

The aggressive man makes a successful salesman. 

Never try to sell goods in profane language. 

Thousands of people fail, because they love their 
ease too much. 

The tree of knowledge gives up none of its fruit ex¬ 
cept to those who climb. 

If you have a place of business, be found there when 
wanted. 

Learn to say “No.” No necessity of snapping it out 
dog fashion, but say it firmly and respectfully. 

Have but few confidants; the fewer the better. 



4 ‘MEMORANDUM WILLIES 


3 * 


When the dog is down, every one is ready to bite 

him. 

When fools go to market, peddlers make money. 

He who serves well, need not be afraid to ask his 
wages. 

Hear one man before you answer; hear several be¬ 
fore you decide. 




CHAPTER 5. 


Cincinnati; Just the “Fromage.” 

In visiting Cincinnati, Ohio, you will meet there one 
of the shrewdest and smartest Jobbers in your line of 
goods, on this God’s earth. He started with a “Shoe 
String,” a lot of good Old American nerve, And last but 
not least, Honesty, And the Good Will of his many 
friends which aided him a lot, And he has not proven un¬ 
grateful to any of them. And Louie, when you call on 
him study him over, he will prove a valuable instructor in 
many ways to you. Then call on my friend, Mr. A. J., and 
you will find a thorough, hospitable Irish gentleman, one 
of the old school, after the pattern of Thomas Addis Em¬ 
mett, Richard O’Gorman, and John Boyle O’Reilly, and 
you will find him also a very instructive conversationalist, 
at the same time, a shrewd and upright merchant. The 
list of the other merchants I gave you there you will 
find just the “Fropiage.” As I explained to you when 


34 


CINCINNATI; JUST THE “FROMAGE” _ 

you visit that good Teutonic city; save your face, don t 
look like a “Cancelled Postage Stamp” in entering any of 
their stores, nor don’t act as if you’ve got a top flat to 
rent; you have to be on your Alphabet or you’ll “Punc¬ 
ture your Regulation.” Never permit a buyer to turn 
your heart into water, And never let the “Yellow” get up 
to your neck. 

Always entertain your trade as becomes a gentleman. 
A penny wise retrenchment, in your expenses is folly. 
Never reach across the street to save a penny, and let 
a dollar slip away from you; that’s false economy, or 
“Hopeless Dementia.” It’s better for your friends to say, 
“He’s got a heart as big as a Ham,” than to say “Ain’t 
he “near” with his money?” Why he thinks more of a 
dollar, than I do of my life. At the same time you don’t 
have to become a member of the “Waste Not, Want Not 
Association of Coppered Spend-thrifts.” You are not 
spending a bunch of rented money. Your employers 
have entrusted you with your expense money, to be ex¬ 
pended as best you can for their welfare and benefit. 




CHAPTER 6. 

How to Approach a New Customer; With a 
Toothpick or an Axe. 

Be sure how you approach your new customer, whe¬ 
ther with a “Tooth-pick or Axe.” But I wish to impress 
on you again, that Politeness is a great trade mark. 

Yes, have a good time, but don’t make it your busi¬ 
ness. 

When you are burning your money you are not en¬ 
lightening the world. 

In Indianapolis you will meet the three sons of one 
of my dearest old friends, and they and their buyer, Mr. 
H. I know will give you the “Glad Hand.” The late 
Mr. G. was one of the Pioneer Merchants of that city, 
And they surely were very short of Angels, when they 
“Drafted” him. He left nothing but friends behind him, 
three husky sons, a good business, and about seventy-five 
thousand. The rest of the merchants and buyers there, 


3^ 


HOW TO APPROACH A NEW CUSTOMER 


you’ll find a genial set of hustlers. They all drink Pluto 
water in Indianapolis: All but one elongated gentleman, 
named Fairchild (our worthy vice-president) simply be¬ 
cause he and Tom Taggart (who owns the springs where 
Pluto comes from) slightly differ in their political ideas. 
The natives will surely want to take you by the “Mit” 
and introduce you to their Soldiers’ Monument (by the 
way, the finest monument in America.) There they 
sting you for “ten,” for going to the top of it; And show 
you the “Suckers” (as they term this the Sucker State), 
but said Suckers, as they term them, live in Anderson, 
not in Indianapolis, so be sure you don’t push the wrong 
button while in that town. You’ll find the natives there 
get their hair amputated at least once a month, and that’s 
no fable. Now, feeling sorry for a friend in hard luck, 
is the average man’s limit, but it don’t buy the unfortun¬ 
ate, a plate of “Sinkers” at Child’s. 

To be successful you have got to be a bon-fire all 
the time; Take a short cut for the front ranks; But don’t 
think you are like the front line Chorus Girl, and that you 
are going to get all the “Posies.” 





HOW TO APPROACH A NEW CUSTOMER 


37 


Your next stop is dear old Chicago, A lot of us New 
Yorkers, are liable to say a lot of ungallant and severe 
things about Chicago, but as an American (and I speak 
as an old New Yorker), I am proud of the Western Me¬ 
tropolis, and she has taught us many valuable lessons, 
such as Surface Rapid Transit, Tall Buildings (not for¬ 
getting Base Ball). She has more Railroads entering said 
city, than any other in America, and she is the most 
progressive town in this country. Her merchants are 
up to date and the best hustlers in our midst. I spoke 
to you about Mr. O. W. and his brother, Mr. Edward, the 
proprietors of the largest Cut Order House in America, 
and two of most genial, honorable and trustworthy gen¬ 
tlemen in the carpet business. Their modes and methods 
are the most original, and copied by many other Cut Or¬ 
der Houses in the country. Mr. Dave L. is also a dear 
friend and deserves a great deal of credit for the advance¬ 
ment he has made in his department for Messrs. C. P. 
S. & Co. wholesale. Which he built up from nothing 
to one of the best carpet departments in the West. Then 
call on Mr. Tom S., the buyer for the largest catalogue 



38 


HOW TO APPROACH A NEW CUSTOMER 


house in the world, You won't have to murder the 
Kings English, Louie, to sell him, if you have what he 
needs. He may lack polish, but he don't lack humanity. 
If your prices and patterns are not suitable to him, and 
his trade, it’s the Elevator for you, he is there for his 
firm’s welfare and we all admire him for that character¬ 
istic. Then there is Mr. Basse, the buyer for the largest 
instalment house in America; you’ll find he knows car¬ 
pets and rugs better than 90 per cent, of the buyers in 
the Country, and a sturdy upright gentleman; none of 
those “A Dollar down and a Dollar a week party.” You’ll 
find Marshall, Field & Co. one of the largest jobbing and 
retail houses in the world, also one of the most progres¬ 
sive, and their retail store is a monument to the man 
and merchant who built it, being the largest and finest 
edifice of its character in the world. Likewise J. V. Far- 
well & Co., a grand old American Jobbing House. You 
will like Chicago for its merchants and buyers if nothing 
else. We, in the East, must not overlook the above, that 
that city has the largest Cut Order Business House in 
America, the largest Catalogue House in the World (do- 



HOW TO APPROACH A NEW CUSTOMER 


39 


ing more business than any other four houses of that 
character in the world). And has the largest instalment 
house furnishing store in America. How I wish I could 
enumerate the number of shrewd, bright, honest, progres¬ 
sive merchants, and dear friends in Chicago, but space 
debars me of that pleasure, their names are legion, And 
when you enter their stores, you’ll realize, my son, that 
you are among friends. Never expect a man to thank 
you for trying to induce him to do what he doesn’t want 
to do. 

An ideal heart is the fortune hunter’s worship. 

You’ll find one-half of the world wants to know how 
the other half got it. Now I have posted you, as to the 
good qualities of the merchants, etc. of that great city; 
Now let me put you next, as to the other people you are 
liable to meet there. You’ll find very few “Plough Chas¬ 
ers” there and don’t have an imaginary idea that you are 
going to meet any Indians roaming the streets, but in¬ 
stead you’ll find a fine bunch of “Moochers” (whatever 
that means), “Tin Horns,” “Wind Jammers,” “Hand 
Shakers,” and “Chair Warmers,” with the Pink and flow- 



40 


HOW TO APPROACH A NEW CUSTOMER 


er of Villiany all over their faces, and ready to lead you to 
Clark and Madison Streets, and steer you, where you can 
be separated from your dough, in one of their many 
“Brace Games,” but you’ll find that class of Scoundrels 
in all large cities, only Chicago seems to have an over 
production of that class of Horse Thieves. Louie, “Hike” 
such cattle, and don’t be tapped by any such gang of 
“Hunswogglers,” let them know you have got no “Honey 
Well” to buy, or “Feed Bag to fill,” let them know you 
are alive, And that they cannot stick pins into you. And 
as a “Get Away,” hand them a second hand tooth-pick. 



CHAPTER 7. 


How to Act on the Road; The “First Nighters.” 

You’ll find a lot of ingratitude in this world. (I con¬ 
sider it the saddest word in the English laguage.) In 
the commercial age an honest man may not be fully 
appreciated in his efforts, but eventually they are com¬ 
pelled to bear fruit. Employers should always appreci¬ 
ate the sacrifices their representatives make while on the 
Road, for them, their interests and welfare. It’s a ques¬ 
tion whether it pays a salesman at times to make such 
sacrifices, if a man has any home ties or love for his 
home. Among a certain class of people commercial trav¬ 
ellers, or “Drummers,” (as we are liable to be callea) 
have a very enviable reputation; it’s generally the young¬ 
er men or novices on the road (“First Nighters, as we 
call them) that are a little new, and forget themselves, 
and forget what they were sent out on the road for; And 
over step the bounds of propriety; That causes the pro- 


42 


HOW TO ACT ON THE ROAD 


fession sometimes, to be besmirched. But you will find 
the majority of Commercial Travellers, are gentlemen, 
and the best types of American manhood, Liberal, Hon¬ 
est, Hustlers, never forgetting their employers’ welfare. 
But like in all other professions “A Stray Goat” will 
sneak into the Fold once in a while. But not till the Crepe 
is on the front door, will the busy road man get the kind 
of a rest he is looking for, but they are generally a very 
considerate lot, and you will find that travelling men, as 
a general thing join “The Great Divide” in the summer 
or fall when flowers are cheap. 

Trace hard luck, as we are liable to term it, to a few 
cities, And you’ll find it is due, to your own actions and 
faults. 

A “Simon Legree” salesman is what we generally 
call a “Smoke Dreamer.” 

It helps work up a smile, when you get a few lines 
of encouragement from your employers, And we usually 
fill up with ginger, and commence throwing “Kisses and 
Lavender Water” at ourselves, And we feel as if we 
could go and sell a bill of goods to the King of Siam 




HOW TO ACT ON THE ROAD 


43 


in Atchison, Kansas. 

Talking of that old gentleman whose right name was 
“Don Carlos,” and I really thought was a friend of mine. 
While I was in Kansas City some years ago I met a 
very dear friend, Mr. John M. Young, who rep¬ 
resented at that time The Bigelow Carpet Co. He ap¬ 
proached me with his Mexican Salve box wide open, 
and a No. 8 smile on his genial face, and I felt right 
away it was a “Fountain Pen Touch” the moment Jack 
gave me the glad mit and said: “Frank, are you going 
to St. Joe and Omaha from here?” And I replied that 
I was, but had to stop at Atchison, to see my dear old 
friend Don Carlos. “Well,” says Jack, “Frank, I’ll be 
your “Stoney Broke Valet” for a few days, as I struck 
a couple of “Snags,” and have lost the Sinkers off of my 
line and hooks, and won’t get my check from New York 
until I reach Omaha, I want you to carry me until we 
reach that town, that is noted for kidnapping children.” 
And as Jack is the best company in the world, and as I 
love good company, I replied, “Sure, Jack, will be pleased 
to, if you’ll stop over with me to see my dear old friend, 



44 


HOW TO ACT ON THE ROAD 


Don Cardos, at Atchison, Kansas, and if I can sell him a 
bill, which I usually do, I’ll get him to limber up and 
give you a good order as well.” Of course Jack acquies- 
ed; Now the Bigelow Carpet line is a very fine and ex¬ 
pensive line of goods, And there is only one place you 
could ever sell Bigelow carpets to, in that hamlet, and 
that is the Blind Asylum. At all events Jack was de¬ 
lighted at the proposition, and the next day we left Kan¬ 
sas City and he checked his eleven trunks for Atchison, 
Kansas, and on our arrival (which unfortunately for me, 
was one day late) ; we registered at that “Slaughter 
House” called the Byram Hotel, and in the morning 
started with Jack up to my dear friend, Don Carlos 5 store. 
By the way, he was generally perched in a large wire 
cage between the ceiling and the lower floor of his store, 
(like one of those “Stuffed Teddy Bears/ 5 that the four 
hundred of New York) tote around with them to har¬ 
monize with their “Artificial Complexions. 55 I 5 11 admit 
“Donny 55 did not like travelling men (between 9 and 11 
A. M.) I still kept impressing on Jack what a dear friend 
Don Carlos was of mine. Well, we arrived at his Shack, 



HOW TO ACT ON THE ROAD 


45 


and there was “He” up in his perch, and Jack and I, 
walking down the long aisle of his store arm in arm, but 
to tell the truth I did not like the looks of his “Gazaboo,” 
so handed up my card to his “Jags,” when lo and behold 
you, my dear friend, who Jack expected me to slap on the 
back, commenced in his usual gruff voice and bearish 
manner: “Well, sir, if you think, Mr. T., that my time is 
at your disposal or the disposal of any travelling man, 
you are very much mistaken; you notified me you would 
be here yesterday and you did not arrive or call yester¬ 
day,” (of course I saw in his state of mind that explana¬ 
tions would amount to nothing) as to said delay, especial¬ 
ly in his frame of temper: So said, “Well, Mr. Don Car¬ 
los, I want to introduce you to my friend, Mr. John M. 
Young, who has a very fine line of goods, just adapted for 
your trade (God forgive me for that one lie) but I wanted 
to help Jack get an order. When Don Carlos broke forth 
again: “I don’t want to know John M. Young, or see his 
goods.” Well it was a case for Jack, and me, to “Back 
Up,” and when I reached the side-walk, I said to Jack, 
“What do you think of my old friend, ain’t he got a 



46 


HOW TO ACT ON THE ROAD 


“Nasty Dispositionand Jack said: “Why, Frank, I 
though he was such a dear old friends of yours. It’s one 
of Jack’s long suits, to this day to give the trade an imi¬ 
tation of our journey to that God forsaken town; That 
has been left off the maps published by Rand & McNally. 
In our settlement at Omaha, Jack did not want to pay 
me the eighteen, that I had paid for his visit to Atchi¬ 
son. But got square with me by leaving a call to have 
me awaken at 4 A. M. the following morning. 

Employers should never write “Nagging” letters to 
any of their road men. There is nothing more discourag¬ 
ing than to receive same. 

Always be prompt in mailing an expense check to 
your Road representatives when they request same. 

You’ll find every business house like a stage; In 
small establishments one man plays the leading part, but 
in large concerns each one has his particular part to play, 
and the success of the house largely depends upon how 
well each plays his part. To the debtor, the credit man 
is the villian of the play, the salesman is generally the 
Leading Man: He leads the “Come Ons,” makes him- 




HOW TO ACT ON THE ROAD 


47 


self generally agreeable to all, endeavors to win the con¬ 
fidence of his trade, and never abuses it and in the end 
secures his order. He plays his cards to win their 
friendship, And after procuring their order, (if it is a 
new customer) takes him by the hand and leads him to 
the Superintendent of the “Slaughter House,” (the cred¬ 
it man's Pen) where he has to give a history of his past 
life, and how much of the “Mazzamua” he has under 
cover, that is not working. And while passing your 
brother salesman, with “The Good Thing,” from where 
the timbers grow tall and thick, they commence to whis¬ 
tle “Saul's Dead March,” to you and him. You can im¬ 
agine the feeling and sensation. But when a few min¬ 
utes later you notice “It” and your credit man emerging 
from the office, both with a good broad grin, then you 
know the history of his life was satisfactory to the cold 
blooded credit man, And your big heart rebounds back 
to its normal beat, and you take “It” by the hand and 
steer him to the first “Thirst Cure,” get his “Breast 
Bone” up against the Bar, And pour a little of the “Oil 
of Gladness” into his “Joy Hole”; of course, he suggests 



4 8 


HOW TO ACT ON THE ROAD 


to you that he would like to see a little of the town, but 
as it is your busy hour, which you explain to him, you 
take him to the under ground Railroad Station, and tell 
the conductor to show the gentleman some of the beauti¬ 
ful sights of New York (underground.) 

You hurry back and find your old friend, Mr. J. J., 
from Logansport, Indiana, awaiting you. His back ac¬ 
count of $1,180.00 has just been settled by him, And he is 
good for another new one thousand dollar “Hunch.” 
Credit men never let an old season’s bill, lapse into a 
new season’s account, especially if the merchant is any 
way weak in his “Under Pinnings.” Now J. J. has a 
sort of a “Sporty Streak” in him and likes a little of the 
“Ruby” and as he stated, had the night before drifted in¬ 
to the classic neighborhood of 8th Avenue, above 34th 
Street, called the “Sirloin” and that he had been tamper¬ 
ing and toying with what they call in that locality “Var¬ 
nish” and is sold in all “Alcohol Laundries” thereabouts. 
He surely had worked overtime with it, as he had a 
breath on him like a “Missourian Politician,” and his 
“Trotter Cases” were very baggy at the knee joints, and 





HOW TO ACT ON THE ROAD 


49 


his “Kipps” looked like a couple of ham covers, And his 
face looked like a lot of cracked ice, and there he was 
whistling on the “Banks of the Wabash,” a favorite tune 
of all the towns people of Logansport, Indiana. But 
with all that, J. J. is a good fellow and I landed him with 
a new $900.00 bill, put a new “Regina Del Cubana,” be¬ 
tween his teeth and sent him away happy. 



% 















♦ 


I 







CHAPTER 8. 


The Villian of the Play. The Credit Man. 

In procuring new customers you must be very diplo¬ 
matic in getting what information you can from him as 
to his fiancial standing, etc., etc. Whom he has been 
dealing with, or buying goods from, as you must invar¬ 
iably give your credit man all the information you possi¬ 
bly can as to any new trade. But do so without being 
too inquisitive, as you are liable to over step yourself. 
And the Merchant may think it may be none of your bus¬ 
iness, etc., etc. And that you are assuming the credit 
man’s work, he may say to you, “Well, young man, you 
better not send that order in. I’ll mail it to your house.” 
So that’s when you have to do the “Pump Act.” But 
be sure which end of the end of the Pump the sucker is 
on. Derive what information you can from him, without 
doing him or your house, any injustice. If a merchant 
has the reputation of being slow in his settlements or is 


5 * 


THE VILLI AN OF THE PLAY 


a “Memorandum Willie,” “Duck him” good and fast, re¬ 
mind him of the fact that you are not out there, a thous¬ 
and miles from home to assassinate time, that you are 
out for results and orders, that’s what you are engaged 
for by your firm. In all your dealings with your custo¬ 
mers call a Spade a Spade, but above all things be polite 
about it, but don’t be too optimistic. If other manufac¬ 
turers are willing to sell a customer, give that informa¬ 
tion to your credit man, And if he is at all liberal, and 
knows his Primer, then he should take the same risk 
for your firm, and extend him the same courtesy, as oth¬ 
er manufacturers are doing. It surely takes the ambition 
and nerve out of a salesman when finding out that his 
employer or manager is handi-capping one salesman as 
against another brother salesman. I refer to this mat¬ 
ter as manufacturers must be reminded that they must 
place all salesmen on an equal basis, and same footing, 
old and young, as to prices, etc. One should have no 
advantage over the other in any sense. Equality and a 
“Square Deal, (as our worthy President says) to all 
alike. To give one salesman any advantage over anoth- 



THE VILLIAN OF THE PLAY 


53 


er as to prices, etc., is next to criminal. And no sales¬ 
man, with the least spark of manhood ought to work for 
such an employer; And no employer should put such ob¬ 
structions in the way of his salesman. Too often a man 
will do a mean act merely because he has confidence in 
his ability to “Square Himself” by offering an explana¬ 
tion, or opology for the same. When a manager, has 
a line of jobs at an off price, all his salesmen should know 
of that at the saime time not give one salesman same, 
and debar the others of the same right, and privilege of 
selling said jobs at the same time. Never work for a 
firm who send you out on the Road with a fine set of 
samples and ship an inferior quality of goods to a cus¬ 
tomer. It will surely kill your reputation as a sales¬ 
man, and no man can afford to risk the same by remain¬ 
ing in the employ of an unscrupulous manufacturer who 
robs you of your honest intentions, and ability. A Man¬ 
ufacturer who will do such a thing, is either a consum¬ 
mate fool or a knave, and is doing himself a great wrong, 
he cannot last in business. 

Now, boy, I have endeavored to guide you in the 




54 


THE VILLI AN OF THE PLAY 


right, as to your duties, to your employers, and your 
firm’s obligations to you and their other salesmen; But 
I do not wish to be misunderstood by any one. In leav¬ 
ing my present employers, and their manager, I wish to 
remind you of the fact, that if your relations, with them, 
will be as agreeable and pleasant, as mine have been for 
the last 14 years, you’ll be in love with your work. The 
remarks I have made, as to what different Manufactur¬ 
ers, Managers and Superintendents of Mills, have done, 
allude to what I have noticed other Manufacturers and 
Managers and Superintendents have done; Not the firm 
you are now employed by. As in parting with them I 
wish to thank them for their kindly and courteous treat¬ 
ment to me during my stay with them. And to my 
former Manager, I wish to say Louie, you are in the 
employ, of the brightest, squarest, upright gentleman in 
the business, strictly business, and only asks of you, to 
do right, and pay attention to business. But in conclu¬ 
sion, there is never a necessity of your carrying news or 
rumors, of your brother salesmen, to him, that is un¬ 
manly. And remember, a “Dog that who will bring a 




THE VILLI AN OF THE PLAY 


55 


Bone, will also carry a Bone!” So cut it out. 

Always be truthful with your firm and your custo¬ 
mer, and never misrepresent your chattels and wares. In 
making your report as to a new customer to your credit 
man be thorough and explicit in every detail possible. We 
are liable at times (to get an order accepted) make said 
report Sub Rosa. Don’t do it, as it may revert to you 
in the end, if any trouble should arise between your firm 
and said customer, especially, if his settlements are not 
made as per agreement, so never mislead your house, or 
credit man in that respect. Never “Pad” or increase an 
order, it’s more satisfactory to both your firm, and your 
customer, to always leave with said customer a Manifold 
copy of his order given you; It saves trouble and dis¬ 
putes in the future. Don’t ever show your samples as 
if you were giving an imitation of the “Swiss Bell Ring¬ 
ers.” Ask your credit man never to use too much “Sul- 
pher” in his correspondence with your trade. It’s a great 
characteristic of theirs, and they do not seem to realize 
how much easier it is to lose a customer than to get one. 
You lose more good trade from such correspondence, 



56 


THE VILLIAN OF THE PLAY 


on the part of your credit man, than from any indis¬ 
cretion on your part, and you will notice they generally 
wind up their letters by alluding, and speaking about 
Honor, in all business affairs: And “Hardware for Sale.” 
You try to explain to that credit man the injustice he 
has done you, by writing such letters to your customers, 
And it will be like getting a “Finger Hold on a Wire 
Screen.” Or like explaining the Declaration of Inde¬ 
pendence to a Daughter of the Revolution, or to a Per¬ 
uvian, that could not understand United States. But nev¬ 
er antagonize your credit man, it may interfere with the 
prompt receipt of your checks or drafts, as you would 
otherwise receive same. Always work in harmony with 
every one in your house; Once in a while you will meet 
with a little friction, but always keep your eyes and ears 
open and demand your rights when in the right, if you 
think you are being imposed on by anyone. Always 
make friends; It is better to have one friend of great 
value, than many friends who are worthless. 



CHAPTER 9. 

Our President; And Centralization of Big Industries. 

Always be a respector of other people’s time; In 
showing your goods, you may find a brother salesman, is 
awaiting to display his samples, to the same customer 
you are showing: You do not necessarily, have to neg¬ 
lect your labors in selling your goods, to such customer, 
but the moment you get through and receive your order, 
pack up and quit. Or your supper will go back into the 
ice box. Don’t waste a lot of time in social conversation, 
give your brother salesman an opportunity to transact 
his work. Few men have the natural strength to honor 
a friend’s success, without envy. 

Waiting works wonders, if you work while you wait. 

To have joy, you must also give it. 

Have confidence in mankind, he has no force in man, 
who has no faith in man. 

A man who borrows trouble is always anxious to 


58 


OUR PRESIDENT 


circulate it and isn’t fit or capable to cut cheese in a deli- 
catessan foundry. 

A loose tongue can tie some terrible kinks in life’s 
skein. 

Some men change positions as often as women 
change hired girls, don’t experiment in that way, boy. 

It’s usually a sure rule; if a man has accumulated 
money he is smart. 

Never cease to be in sympathy with those in humble 
and lowly walks of life. 

The brave man hesitates, while making up his mind, 
the coward hesitates afterward. 

Charity and Piety are not always on speaking terms. 

’Tis better to have money, than to have time to 
waste. 

Louie, while I may be drifting, as to timely advice as 
to your duties, I consider many of the sayings quoted 
so far will at least, be serviceable in your future. 

The centralization of big industries, in the hands of a 
few is a crime, take for instance, money, which was 
made for a distributing, and circulating purpose, put it in 



OUR PRESIDENT 


59 


the hands of a few, and it naturally looses and debars it, 
of the purpose for which it was made, so it is with Oil, 
Steel, Iron, Coal, Ice, Sugar or Meat. It also debars 
any small capitalists of investing their money, in any in¬ 
dustry they may feel inclined to go into, without first 
consulting, or placing themselves in the power of the 
trust. Our worthy President has the right and proper 
idea and conception, of the above serious problems. And 
has recommended the curbing and the adjustment of 
criminal trusts and monopolies; And should have receiv¬ 
ed the proper support of our last Congress in the sup¬ 
pression of said crimes: He was antagonized in his just 
requests of same, by the members of his own party, such 
as Speaker Cannon, Lorimer of Chicago, Littlefield of 
Maine, and Wadsworth of New York, and others. Pro¬ 
fessional politicians of that stamp, should realize that 
they should (like the late lamented Abraham Lincoln), 
study the interests of the common people, instead of a 
few, and those few a criminal set of “Money Robbers” who 
form trusts of actual necessities. I often wonder how 
Speaker Cannon and Mr. Lorimer would feel if Eng- 




6o 


OUR PRESIDENT 


land, Germany, France and other nations, would pass 
laws and legislation not permitting our American canned 
meats and all canned goods of this country, from enter¬ 
ing their respective countries, without same had the 
stamp of the U. S. Government on, as to when, and 
where, such meats, etc., were canned. I wonder if these 
same politicians forget the uprising of the American 
people in our late Spanish war when the meat trusts of 
Chicago, fed our American soldiers with rotten canned 
meat; And that is the trust Mr. Cannon and Lorimer are 
endeavoring to protect. They also forget General Alger 
of Michigan, the then Secretary of War, who was com¬ 
pelled to resign his position, And that General Egan was 
retired in disgrace, for accepting such poisonous stuff. I 
would recommend the above gentlemen in the future to 
uphold and respect the wishes of our worthy President, 
and the common people, who elected them to pro¬ 
tect their property rights, not the rights of a few un¬ 
scrupulous, Stock-Yard scoundrels. In Chicago they 
will tell you Dirt makes Work. But that does not neces¬ 
sarily follow, that you must go around with dirty linen 




OUR PRESIDENT 


6l 


or filthy hands. While in that city, I would advise you 
to stop at the Palmer House for the convenience of your 
trade, and your own welfare. You will find it one of 
the best kept and conducted hotels in America, Under the 
supervision of its capable manager, Mr. Viers, and its af¬ 
fable clerks and cashiers. They are always ready and 
willing to do all they can for the welfare, comfort, and in¬ 
terests of the travelling man. Evenings look out for the 
“Hold Out” and “Hand Shakers” you are liable to meet 
there; (As you will in all large hotels in big cities.) 
It s always safer and better for you to mingle with men 
in your own line of business, and you will find it more 
congenial. A man may do the best he can, and still get 
the worst of it. 

If you are a fool, don’t show it and then other fools, 
will never know it. 






CHAPTER io. 


The Baggage Man: And a Little Philanthropy. 

Now, let’s get together with the Baggage Man. If 
your trunks weigh a little over the prescribed limit of 250 
pounds, it will pay you to be a little liberal with that 
poorly paid individual, but it is suggestive that you know 
the actual gross weight of all your trunks, it will save 
you a lot of unnecessary trouble and expense, especially 
if you have long jumps. Every ten pounds added to said 
trunks makes quite a difference in your excess baggage, 
and said baggage men are liable to work you once in a 
while. They are ill paid by the Railroads and are ex¬ 
pected to do Bookkeeper’s work at Hod Carriers’ wages, 
so give up to them once in a while. It will always pay to 
buy an excess baggage book, ten dollars for $12.50, or 
$20.00 for $25.00 each. Also if travelling west of Chica¬ 
go purchase a 2,000 mile passenger book for $60.00, with 
a rebate of $20.00. It may sound ridiculous for old sales- 


6 4 


THE BAGGAGE MAN 


man to read this advice, but they must remember the 
number of young men that are adopting the road for a 
profession, and it is for their welfare and interest that I 
state the above. 

Profanity never makes the man richer, happier, or 
wiser. You can never be successful, by being a 'Hot Air 
Spouter”; But your tongue, your feet, your hands and 
your mind must all work at the same time. 

Tame your tongue, but don’t try to sell goods from 
your Sunday School Primer. I suggesed above about 
being a little liberal with the baggage men for reasons 
stated. It is practical philanthropy, boy, and in that 
case, I am a great respector and admirer of such men as 
George Peabody, Peter Cooper, Montiforie, and Hirsch. 
But have utter contempt for such false philanthropists 
as Carnegie, Russel Sage, and John Rockefeller. If Car¬ 
negie had built homes for his old and deserving workmen, 
who aided him in building up his vast fortune instead of 
building libraries (with strings to them) all over the 
world, and bearing his name as a monument to his mem¬ 
ory and philanthropy, then he might have received the 




THE BAGGAGE MAN 


65 


admiration of the world at large, and his fellow citizens 
would extend him the kindly admiration due him. Every 
brick that is put into each and every one of these librar¬ 
ies, is covered with the blood of those poor miserable ill 
paid laborers who worked at his plants at Homestead, 
and I consider his actions at that time, are responsible for 
the loss of life, in that labor disturbance. Has it ever 
occurred to you, Mr. Carnegie, that your libraries are 
never used by any of your poor laborers who work for 
you, from 7 A. M. to 6 P. M.? “After they eat their 
supper, after walking say about a mile from your mills 
to their homes, it's about 7 P. M. They do not feel able 
after their hard day’s labor, to walk back to town, and 
if they did, they would have no time to read; it’s sleep 
and rest they need and require till 6 A. M. the next day; 
that’s what I call false philanthropy. 

No, I am not writing a work on political economy, or 
philanthropy, but, my son, when subjects of that charac¬ 
ter come before us, that affect us all, then I realize that 
the ventilation and publicity of our views on such sub¬ 
jects, are brought before the eyes of the world pro and 



66 


THE BAGGAGE MAN 


con, and said agitation may eventually bring the needed 
redress against the repetition of such wrongs. Always 
take an interest in the political welfare of your country, 
boy, as poor President James A. Garfield once said Eter¬ 
nal Vigilance is the Price of Liberty. ,, 



CHAPTER ii. 

Persistency, Perseverence; And Square Dealings. 

Rely on honest square dealings without misrepresen¬ 
tations, to retain old customers in business, and to gain, 
and win new ones. Never “Shylock” your trade. 

Persistency and perseverence, boy, has got me many 
an order. 

Never borrow money from any customer, you are 
always under obligations to them for getting their busi¬ 
ness and orders; So never abuse that kind of friendship. 

There are many ways of spending your holidays, 
Sundays or evenings, without mingling with “Race Track 
Touts/’ or indulging, or toying with the “Grape Juice.” 

When a man combines business with pleasure, busi¬ 
ness usually gets the short end of it, that’s a lamentable 
fact, boy. It’s a prime essential; to be successful you 
must love your work. 


68 PERSISTENCY, PERSEVERENCE AND SQUARE DEALINGS 


Never attempt to buy your trade, entertain them lib¬ 
erally and kind, especially when visiting your city, re¬ 
member they are a long way from home, and appreciate 
such courtesy. 

The school of experience is open at all times to you; 
but don’t expect to get that schooling from a competitor. 

Don’t let your feelings run in harmony with money, 
at all times, Never deal too strong in Bar Goods. 

If possible always cause, or make a wrinkle of mirth 
to line the lineaments of your customers frontispiece with 
a few quaint remarks, (if he enjoys same), it’s a cinch 
then, that you have the “Blazed Trail” and will land you 
the order. 

It’s a moral duty that all salesmen owe their em¬ 
ployers, and themselves, to keep an expense account while 
on the road, but it is also the duty of the employers to 
know that his representative is utilizing that money en¬ 
trusted to him for travelling expenses, for his firm’s wel¬ 
fare. 

A Manufacturer or Manager, should know there is 
nothing so humiliating to a salesman to have his ex- 



PERSISTENCY, PERSEVERENCE AND SQUARE DEALINGS 69 


pense account questioned by them: Any salesman with 
the least spark of manhood in his make-up, should not 
remain in the service or employment of such a firm. If 
your firm loses confidence in your integrity and honesty, 
it is better to part by the wayside. Never permit any 
man to put his value on your services if you can avoid it. 
You ought always to know your true value. We cannot 
stand still, We must either go forward or backward. That 
is the universary law of growth or decay. Your new em¬ 
ployer when you are making a change, are liable to ex¬ 
pect more from you than you can accomplish, thereby 
causing disappointment, and dissatisfaction to both. So 
as I stated before, boy, make as few changes as possible. 
Always give your employers first choice to your services, 
that is, provided, they have treated you proper and just. 
But your employers on the other hand should value your 
services, in a pecuniary sense as highly as any other firm 
provided you are worthy. Employers should always be 
prompt in forwarding you your expense checks, other¬ 
wise you are losing a lot of valuable time waiting for 
same. After you are all through with your business, 



70 PERSISTENCE, PERSEVERENCE AND SQUARE DEALINGS 


time, that you could be devoting to their interests, in 
another city, simply compels you to remain right there, 
doing the “Chair Warming Act/’ in your hotel awaiting 
said check, and permitting your competitors to do your 
work in the next town. That’s false economy; All caus¬ 
es of that nature are very aggravating to a salesman, who 
is studying his employer’s interest. It makes you lose 
heart and get disgusted with such narrow minded treat¬ 
ment. No employer should ever place such obstacles in 
the way of their salesmen and retard their progress. An 
honest salesman never demands, or send for a check until 
he is in actual need of same. 

If your customer or buyer should call at your hotel, 
to see and examine your line of goods, between the hours 
of 12 and 2, it’s good policy to insist on his “Breaking 
Bread” with you, (as an Empty Bag won’t stand) and af¬ 
ter your dainty repast, and placing one of those three for 
a half, between his teeth, so that when he puffs same it 
won’t smell like a blacksmith shoeing a horse or burning 
a rubber comb in the next room; Then your customer 
feels like “Eating the Canary” and your Manifold order 
book looks right to you. 



CHAPTER 12. 


Hotels: Also the Snags You’ll Encounter. 

It’s a remarkable fact, how few people know how to 
act on their arrival at a hotel, even the most intelligent 
people make ridiculous blunders, which are amusing to 
an old stager. For instance, you notice a man accompan¬ 
ied by his wife aproaching the office dragging her 
through the crowd, which usually hangs around the cor¬ 
ridor, (assassinating time). Instead of leaving her in the 
reception room or parlor, until he registers; You can al¬ 
ways lay down your “Bank Roll,” that they are from 
somewhere near Kankakee or Oskkosh; As you notice 
the “New Mown” toying with his “Soup Strainers,” that 
ornament that, which was intended for a face. And it 
must be humiliating to her if she hears some of the criti¬ 
cisms eminating from that crowd of rowdies. Don’t ever 
fail to find out from the clerk the cost of the room he as¬ 
signs to you, otherwise you have regrets coming to you, 


72 


HOTELS 


when you go to settle your bill. Despite all printed 
Rules, and warnings on the walls and doors of your room, 
as to responsibilities for valuables, etc., You seldom find 
a travelling man leaving his watch, diamonds, money, or 
any valuable down stairs with the hotel clerks for safe 
keeping; unless he is representing a jewelry, or diamond 
firm. Generally they consider themselves capable, of 
caring and protecting their own personal property. It’s 
good policy to notify the head porter at the hotel, of the 
hour and train you intend to take to your next destina¬ 
tion, and w'hat depot, you desire your trunks taken to, 
and be sure you get your claim checks from him before 
you leave your hotel, be sure that said checks are for the 
Railroad Depot you are going to, and the train you 
are going to take, also be sure your trunks leave the hotel 
before you leave there, so as to enable you to check same, 
on your arrival at the depot. 

Be sure you have all trunks packed and ready for ex¬ 
pressman in ample time to be taken to the depot for your 
train; Don’t wait until the last moment, as you must 
give the baggage man time to weigh and check same for 




HOTELS 


73 


your next destination. 

Many a man thinks he is the whole show, but is 
only a clown. Experience, I found came to me, after it 
was too late, for it to do me any good. 

Boy, put character above wealth, be as honest in 
small things, as in great things. 

Obtain a thorough mastery of your business in all 
its details. Don’t allow a question to be put to you that 
you cannot promptly, truthfully and intelligently answer. 

Truth from a liar, is as honey from a wasp. A per¬ 
fect liar is a genius. 

Push your work every business hour, of every business 
day, rain or shine, success will come as sure as the rising 
of the sun. 

Never embitter life, take your trade as your friend, 
then your troubles never concern others, get on the 
“Sunny Side” at all times. 

You will often find among the many people you 
meet or call on, in business, some, yes, many you can slap 
on the back, and say “Hello, Walter, or Bill, then there 
are others, you have to handle with what they term dig- 



74 


HOTELS 


nity. They feel their position, and station in their vil¬ 
lage; Well, take your hat off to them for a moment. But 
to the latter, never use familiarity; Then, boy, is when 
you have to study human nature; No, I don't think you 
are a Phrenologist, Palmist or a Mind Reader, but try to 
study the make up, and the characteristics of all your 
customers, and your success is assured. 

In visiting a store, always go in with a “Royal Wilton 
Face" even if you have to come out with a “Rag Carpet 
Capacity." 

You don’t have to carry “Soft Coal" into every store 
you visit, you’ll often find the “Coffee Bean" awaiting 
you. 

Your success, notwithstanding, I am giving you up 
my territory and trade, which are a travelling man’s 
bread and “Fromage,” will require good hard toil and 
labor to make it successful. 

You cannot attain greatness or success, if you are 
going to be thawed by any impediments. 

You’ll strike many a snag on your travels, such as 
competitors selling his goods, at a lower price than you, 



HOTELS 


75 


also some others offering better datings, and some mak¬ 
ing freight allowances, etc., etc.; I have been fighting 
such obstacles for years, and still accomplished the work 
and results, for which I was engaged, and to my employ¬ 
ers’ satisfaction. So don’t let such obstructions discour¬ 
age you, keep pegging away, and remind the merchant 
or purchaser that you are giving him the best value you 
can for the money. 

You have no time to educate anyone in your busi¬ 
ness but learn from every one. 

Your employer engages you to sell goods, not to 
educate your trade. 

Never whine at your poor success, and say you can’t 
get a start. 

Don’t be always looking for unconquerable obsta¬ 
cles, take that No. io foot of yours, and put such things 
aside and push along. 

If a Pole cat spits on you, in Omaha, it does not gen¬ 
erally follow, that you will strike or hit up against the 
same animal, in Des 'Moines, your next stop. 

To Some merchants, You have to laud your goods 



76 


HOTELS 


to the “Sweet Canopy of Heaven,” to others, especially 
those who know the intrinsic value and quality of your 
wares, and other makes, it's advisable for you; To the 
“Tall” and “Brush Sage” for a few moments, while he 
and his understudy, have their little “Pow-wow”; And 
that’s the time for you to give your “Mouth a Holiday”: 
In case any question arises which often will, then, boy, 
let them hear that “Fog-horn” voice of yours, And that 
you know a carpet from a board. 

Ask no man’s advice, but study the people you meet, 
and avoid the habit and manners which you find annoy¬ 
ing to you, in others, but cultivate the quality you find 
are helpful and pleasing. 

ii you make success of your business, you must get 
along in spite of opposition. No good thing is a failure, 
and no evil thing a success; Life is made dreary by the 
want of motive. 

Never confess a weakness in the knowledge of your 
business, or your ability to cope with any obstacle, which 
your competitor will surmount, be a master of the situa¬ 
tion, as often you have to fight, and thoroughly explain 



HOTELS 


77 


to a customer the goodness of your goods, for the price 
asked; But never let him show you, or compare a piece 
of goods that cost him, say 95 cts. a yard for your fabrics, 
that you are asking him only 82 cts. for. It is like com¬ 
paring a $40.00 suit of cloths with a suit that only cost 
$30.00. The same rule follows and applies to dress 
goods, hosiery, curtains, shoes, skirts, etc., etc. It’s qual¬ 
ity for price, and price for quality. 

Never lose a line in your back bone to hold a straw 
erect. Obstacles will always look large to you, accord¬ 
ing to whether you are large or small. Never lack grit, 
and don’t ever seek some one else to give you a boost, 
do your own climbing, boy. 

I started on nothing but nerve, And if you carry a 
cart load of same, together with diligence and strict at¬ 
tention to business; one of these days you’ll own one of 
those “Yellow Books” I mentioned to you before with 
a few figures on the inside. 

That’s some of the cheap advice, I called your atten¬ 
tion to, in the front part of this book, and I often wish I 
had followed: But what’s that old saying, “Never cry 



78 


HOTELS 


over spilt Cow Juice.” 

Well, Louie, you will find it takes that, and a lot of 
other things in this world to get to the top. 

Never lose your temper, it takes the edge off of any 
argument; Never break your back carrying your broth¬ 
er’s troubles, or any one elses. 

Some men are thrust in prominence and others “butt 

in.” 

I never found that walking on any carpets I ever 
sold, made any “Tender Feet sea sick.” 



CHAPTER 13. 

"Schlitzville/' Milwaukee; Makes All Beers Famous* 

Some of the hotels you strike, in your next seven 
weeks’ ramble will make you think you have struck a 
“Boarding House for Dogs,” And look out for some of 
those, (what they call) “Hotel Clerks,” in such houses, 
especially in Iowa. You’ll have to sting them, in fact, 
burn them alive, they all look “Dizzy,” but don’t pay 
much attention to them, give them a sort of a “Blind 
Stareand you’ll see frost forming in their hair. 

Your next stop, I see, is Milwaukee, better known 
as “Schlitzville,” the town that makes all Beers famous. 

It’s a good town for you to get your German dialect 
into play; as every buyer in that city carries Limberger 
in his vest pocket, and a bucket full of Sauerkraut when 
he goes to work. The Plankinton Hotel is one of the 
best hotels in the West, and you’ll find the two clerks 
“Eddie?” he with the Schenectady hair (it’s so near Au¬ 
burn) and McCutcheon, both good, clever boys, and will 


8o 


“SCHLITZVILLE” MILWAUKEE 


“Correll” you right, in one of those four per day sample 
rooms, with a “Coffin Case” in each room, in which you 
are supposed to bathe in. Their table is good and you’ll 
find it a convenient location. You’ll find the buyers in 
that city above the average, good, genial, and hospitable 
set of boys; I anticipate good business for you there, as I 
consider them all warm friends. 

Do not live for pleasure only, as you’ll do no good to 
yourself or others. 

Never find your delight in another’s misfortune. 

Drunkenness is identical with ruin. 

It’s not actually necessary for you to get your cus¬ 
tomer, or yourself intoxicated to sell a bill of goods. 

An active man builds success on the foundation of 
failure. A passive man does not. 

More helpful than all wisdom is the draft of simple 
pity, and sympathy, that will not forsake us. Lord Bul- 
wer Lytton once said; that sympathy was one of those 
refined feelings springing direct from the heart. While 
Voltaire said that sympathy, was an antidote for old 


women. 



SCHLITZVILLE MILWAUKEE 


8l 




Knock and the world knocks with you, boost, and 
you boost alone. 

In St. Paul and Minneapolis (the twin cities) is your 
next destination. You’ll find them, two of the hand¬ 
somest and healthiest cities in America. Finch, Van 
Sylck Co. of St. Paul, and Partridge & Co. of Minneapo¬ 
lis are two of the largest and richest jobbers of dry goods 
etc. in the North West, and are a credit to both cities. 
While in St. Paul stop at the Ryan Hotel, as the rest of 
the hotels there are simply “Hash Foundries.” You’ll 
find, Mr. Al. S. of Messrs. Schurmemann & Evans, Fred 
Norway, of Messrs. Field, Schlick & Co., Mr. Williams, 
of Finch, VanSlyck & Co., Lou Weidenborner of the 
American House Furnishing Co., Wallbloom & Co., and 
Will Matthais & Co., the leading merchants of that city 
and will I know treat you with proper courtesy. 

Then Minneapolis, there you will find the largest 
Flour mills in the world, the Falls of Minnehaha, Fort 
Snelling; Also the handsomest furniture store in Amer¬ 
ica, best adapted and arranged, And carrying one of the 
largest and best stocks in the country, And kept by two 



82 “SCHLITZVILLe” MILWAUKEE 


of the brightest and best merchants in the U. S. They 
came from good old New England stock, and possess 
that proverbial pluck, characteristic of the natives of 
Massachusetts. I refer to my friends Walter and Wil¬ 
liam Boutwell. 

I want to tell you one of my funny experiences that 
occurred in their store. Some years ago the above firm 
were burnt out. They being a very progressive firm, 
generally have every modern contrivance, and in occupy¬ 
ing their new store, purchased a new time clock and cash 
register combined, for their cashier, with keys like a 
piano and resembling an upright melodian very much; 
A party of my friends whom I met at West’s Hotel, And 
whom I will term the “Four Jacks,” Jack Nutley, Jack 
Young, Jack Morris, and Jack Meinch, And the best 
“Joshers” in the world, harder to beat than a “Hard Boil¬ 
ed Egg.” Suggested that we go over to Boutell Bros, 
grand opening of their new store as they were distribut¬ 
ing Pinks to all visitors, and had a fine Brass Band of 
Music to entertain their patrons; Unfortunately for me, 
some friends of mine once said I could sing, and had a 



“SCHLITZVILLE” MILWAUKEE 


83 


good voice, which age does not improve, as I now sing 
as if I kept a livery stable, “Horsey” (lay down, Fido, 
don’t bite him,he’s got a cork leg). Well, those four 
“Beauties” induced me to get up to that “Upright Piano,” 
as I supposed, to sing “Only a Soldier Boy.” Well, when 
I got through I turned, and the four Jacks were “Non 
est Inventus,” and the lady cashier came out and inform¬ 
ed me that I was indebted to the firm $8.40 which I had 
rung up on that Cash Register. I think to this day that 
they conspired with Messrs. Boutell Bros, salesman, who 
kept encoring me for a “Repeat,” before I gave up the 
$8.40 which I had to pay, and as a friend suggested, it 
helped to pay for the pinks anyway. I tried to get a 
settlement with those four friends, on a basis of T-5 each, 
but the Ha Ha is all I have received as yet from them. 
Yes, you’ll find the carpet, curtain, and upholstery sales¬ 
man are away above the average, genial, honorable, well- 
bred and educated, and ever ready to assist and aid each 
other, and while you’ll find the large majority of the 
Travelling men, in all other branches, a fine lot of gentle¬ 
men, none work as harmoniously with each other as the 



“SCHLITZVILLE” MILWAUKEE 


84 

above. Stop at West’s Hotel which you will find an orn¬ 
ament to any city in America, being- from an architec¬ 
tural standpoint one of the finest in the country. 

You may strike many a snag on the trip that may 
cause that “Frapped Face” of yours to relax, and if it 
does not hurt you, will create a sort of smile to come 
over you. You will find the Messrs. Boutell Bros, as 
stated above, good, live merchants and if your goods, 
patterns, colors and prices, are right you can transact 
business with them, otherwise you will be left at the 
“Post.” You’ll also find Will Eddington, at William H. 
Donaldson’s store, (By the way, one of the largest and 
finest stores in America), an affable little Bachelor, and 
knows his Primer good and right. Also Mr. McSherry at 
the Minneapolis Dry Goods Co. one of the most honor¬ 
able and trustworthy buyers in that city, Not forgetting 
that old Pioneer Merchant, as we call him, Frank Peter¬ 
son, of F. H. Peterson & Co. He, of the Manor born, 
conservative, but one of the honored old schools, And 
right opposite to him my old friend, Will. Harris, an¬ 
other of the good old New England stock who went into 



“SCHLITZVILLE” MILWAUKEE 


85 


business in that city some twenty years ago, and he sure¬ 
ly woke up the balance of the merchants there, and 
taught them how they do business in Boston, where he is 
from. Longfellow wrote his poem “Hiawatha” from 
the falls of that name in that beautiful city, and I wish 
space allowed or permitted me to give a vivid descrip¬ 
tion of its beautiful lakes, its flour industry and mills, and 
the beautiful intersecting country between it and St. 
Paul. 

One day in Sioux City, will be enough for you, and 
convince you that both, the Garrettson and Mondamon 
Hotels are apologies for “Rat Traps,” so try the new 
West Hotel there, if you are a respector of your health. 
You’ll find Mr. Kelley of T. S. Martin & Co., Mr. Moore 
of the Lindholm Furnishing Co., Frank Clark of the Pel- 
litier Dry Goods Co., and Dave Anderson of the Ander¬ 
son Furnishing Co. all right and to the “Cheese. If 
they need the stuff you’ll have enough to do, to enable 
you to catch the 5 P* M. North Western train for Omaha. 



CHAPTER 14. 


Funny Incidents. 

At Omaha, The Iler Grand Hotel is the proper place 
for you to stop at, as you can always procure good sam¬ 
ple rooms there, and is all right. Will Anderson, the 
manager, (with his English dialect), will surely take 
proper care of you. “Joe Henshaws,” (named after one 
of the best hotel men in America), and loved by all 
travelling men, is a good place to feed your face. 

A funny incident occurred there while a party of us 
travelling men, Mr. Aaron Kline, Mr. James Flanagan, 
Mr. Joseph Moore, Mr. Frank Schlagle, and Mr. Frank 
Hardcastle, and myself were seated at a table, and at the 
adjoining table sat a gentleman, who had some catharral 
trouble, or complaint and made a very loud and dis¬ 
agreeable noise, eminating from his throat and nose, and 
which sounded like a discord in a “Second Hand Pic- 
colo.” Well, there sat a blind gentleman opposite to said 
party at same table and he stood the noise as long as he 


FUNNY INCIDENTS 


87 


could, until at last he said to the party with the catharral 
voice, “My friend, I love music, And I like your voice, 
but can’t you “Shift the Cut,” And change that tune of 
yours, And sing us the “Blue and the Gray.” Little 
pleasantries of that nature (and what he ordered at that 
meal) are a few of the things that make life worth living 
for, especially when you are in such congenial society 
and company of dear good fellows, and tried friends, 
though strong competitors. The friendship of such men 
is worthy of any man, and I hope, Louie, you’ll cultivate 
their acquaintance There are hundreds of others I could 
mention in the carpet, upholstery and curtain business 
East and West but it would take sixty copies of encyclo- 
pelias to do them all justice. 

To get a name can happen to but few. Another 
rather funny incident occurred to me while coming from 
San Francisco on the Santa Fe Railroad, to Kansas City 
some twenty years ago; On the train was U. S. Senator 
Anthony of Rhode Island and his venerable wife who 
was about sixty-five years of age I should judge; It 
seems the Senator was troubled with tumor of the stom- 



88 


FUNNY INCIDENTS 


ach, and the doctors had recommended long railroad 
rides for him, hoping the jar and concussion would break 
same, or they stated a heavy coughing spell, or a good 
fit of laughter might have the same effect. He stated 
that he had one break in just such a way, and relieved 
him of all aches and pains for five years. His dear wife, 
it seems, carried a large can of mustard, and plenty of 
cloths to apply to his stomach, when the Senator was 
taken with any severe pain. They occupied berth No. 6, 
I had berth No. 9, and on our second night after leaving 
California, and everything was dark and quiet, A drunk¬ 
en Drummer, (who had been toying with the “Ruby’ ,N ) 
got in at a little staion called, Lajunta. He was very 
boisterous and woke everybody up on that sleeper, includ¬ 
ing it seems the Senator and his wife. He was assigned 
to berth No. 4 next to the Senator’s. After about half 
an hour, our intoxicated, fat Drummer quieted down and 
got asleep, And it seems the Senator was taken with 
very severe pains, and his good wife got up, went to the 
ladies’ room, and came out with a large “Juicy Mustard 
Plaster,” pulled the curtain aside, and placed the mustard 



FUNNY INCIDENTS 


plaster on her husband’s stomach, as she supposed, but 
instead she had applied it nice and smooth, on the 
Drunken “Sleeping Beauty’s” stomach, left it there, and 
found out her terrible error, and rushed back, and in¬ 
formed her husband of her serious mistake, he got into 
a hearty fit of laughter, which caused a fit of severe 
coughing, and broke his tumor, and relieved him of all 
pains and aches. Well, in about thirty minutes the 
drunken Drummer commenced to holler and shriek, they 
are eating, and burning me up. Of course, everyone was 
playing “Peek-a-Boo” again in our berths and the con¬ 
ductor, and colored porter, turned up the gas and his 
“Jags” the Drummer, grabs the mustard plaster and 
throws it all over that poor porter’s face and clothes; He 
was a sight. The following day was the most pleasant I 
ever experienced on a Sleeper: the Senator, offered his 
apology for his wife’s error to the Drummer, And the 
Drummer apologized to us all (the colored porter in¬ 
cluded) for his boisterous and unseemly conduct etc.; 
But you could not eradicate the embarrassed expression 
on poor Mrs. Anthony’s face. The Senator, ate the heart- 





9 o 


FUNNY INCIDENTS 


iest meal he stated, that morning, that he had eaten in 
five years. 

I have to-day his card, also the card of Mr. Robinson 
(the Drummer) who represented a shoe firm in St. Louis, 
Missouri. And our jolly trip terminated at Kansas City. 

Des Moines, you will also find, a nice quiet town 
(where they blow the gas out at io G. M. (Good Morn¬ 
ing), but you will find my friend, Mr. Sherbun of Yon- 
ers Bros., James Garry of the Outfitting Co., and Mr. 
Brown of Emery Co., all “To the Good,” and will I know 
recognize your name, (if not your face) as well as your 
goods. The Savory is a good hotel, as they have good 
sample rooms there. 

While at Galveston, Texas, some years ago, it seems, 
a very popular travelling Shoe Salesman, who represent¬ 
ed a firm in Rochester, N. Y., had died there, among 
strangers, and he had no relatives in this country; So 
his firm telegraphed the Undertaker who had charge of 
the remains, to spare no expense, and give him a first 
class funeral and burial. The Undertaker, “A wise old 
Owl,” engaged a couple of Irishmen to follow the Hearse 




FUNNY INCIDENTS 


9 * 


as “Mourners.” They were to each receive $5 apiece, for 
following the remains to the Cemetery, but were to have 
their right hand over their eyes to indicate they were 
Mourners; But if they took their hand down, they were 
to be fined $1 for each time they did so. The Burial 
ground was about three miles out of Town—and Gillo- 
holly says to McManus, “this is the asiest job I iver had 
in my loife.” After a while, they struck a terrible bad 
odor, and Gilloholly says to McManus, “My goodness, 
what did that man die of; I can’t stand this smell.’ 
McManus replied, “Naither can I. I’ll till you what I’ll 
do, Gilloholly, I’ll go yer halves on the dollar fine, and 
you take your hand down, and see what that smell is.” 
Gilloholly says, “All right.” He pulls his hand from over 
his eyes, and says, “McManus, you might as well take 
your hand down; We have lost the Hearse, and are 
following a Swill-Cart.” The above, is of the Vintage of 
1878. 

While riding with Tim Murphy, of ‘ The Texas 
Steer” fame, from Burlington to Peoria, he told us his 
“Hard Luck” story. He said some time ago, a Theatri- 




92 


FUNNY INCIDENTS 


cal Co. were stranded, at a little town, in Arkansaw, 
and the men and women of the Co. were around the 
Hotel Corridor, as they had telegraphed to friends, in 
New York, Chicago, etc., for sufficient funds, to pay 
their Hotel bills (as the cold blooded Hotel proprietor 
was holding all their effects, and wardrobes, for his 
Board), when a dapper little fellow comes in to the Ho¬ 
tel, notices all the “Ham Fatters” around the corrider, 
and says to the Hotel proprietor, A Theatrical Co. 
stranded, and he replied Yes. He asked, where is the 
manager, and he said, He with the “Piked Nose” over 
there. The young man approached him, and said, Are 
you the Manager of this troupe, and he replied, Yes. 
Well, I am the owner, and Proprietor of the Grand Hotel 
and Grand Opera House, at Little Rock, Arkansaw, and 
because we are off of the main lines none of you people 
visit our town, and we have not had a show there in 27 
days; Now Fll tell you what Fll do for you. If you 
bring your troupe there for next Saturday for a matinee 
and one evening performance, I’ll guarantee you $250 
and board you and your whole troupe, at the Hotel till 



FUNNY INCIDENTS 


93 


Monday morning, free of charge. It was accepted in a 
minute, and the men and women pawned all of their 
jewelry, etc., etc., settled their Hotel bills and paid their 
fares, etc., to Little Rock, where they arrived about 6:40. 
The Hotel being about two miles from the depot, they 
put on a bold front and jumped in the Buss, (and there 
was just $2 left in that party.) The leading man rode 
outside with the Driver, who was a “Gruff old Duck/’ 
and “The Lead” said to him, You have a beautiful coun¬ 
try here. He replied, Yes. And the “Lead” again said, 
Oh my, what beautiful sun sets you have here! The 
Driver replied that ain’t no sun set. That’s the Grand 
Opera House burning down. 

Your next stop, I believe, is St. Joe, Missouri. There 
you will meet our friend Eugene Lewis, who represents 
Tootle, Wheeler & Motter Mercantile Co. whom you met 
in New York City; and if you find him home, am sure 
you will get your usual order. You have three other 
merchants to visit there, and the one to shun, who is 
noted, for having booked more memorandum orders, than 
any man in the business, And who the majority of travel- 




94 


FUNNY INCIDENTS 


ling salesmen avoid. You’ll find St. Joe a quaint old 
town, but noted for some of the oldest jobbing houses in 
the West. If you have any spare change, when you get 
through there, buy a ticket for Kansas City, Missouri, 
just as quick as possible, or Jesse James is liable to come 
back to life, and give you an imitation of an original 
“Hold Up,” as that is where Jesse lived, and met his fatal 
ending, at the hands of those murderers, the Ford Bros. 



CHAPTER 15. 

Getting “Off Your Groove.” 

You’ll find one good thing about Kansas City, Mis¬ 
souri, it has the best hotels of any city of its size in the 
West, I allude to the New Baltimore (which is the most 
convenient for traveling men), the New Coates, and the 
Mid-Land, all first class and commodious. 

You’ll find Mr. K. of the K. Furniture & Carpet Co. 
a typical southern gentleman of the old school, always 
affable and agreeable. Also Messrs. Repp & Duff you 
will find progressive, and their buyer whom we dub 
“Zimmey” a good clean-cut boy, And don’t fail to call 
on my friends Deamer and Billy McClellan, two of God’s 
noblemen, and last but not least, Mr. Ryder (of Ryder, 
Shane & Hyman) another dear old friend, and a product 
of Cincinnati, Ohio. 

You’ll have a bad jump from Kansas City, to Spring- 
field, Illinois, by the “Wabash” which leaves at 6 P. M. 


9 6 


GETTING “OFF YOUR GROOVE*’ 


and arrives there at 2 .-45 A. M. On your arrival there 
you get in one of those stuffy little busses, with a dirty 
kerosene lamp for company, and drive up to the old 
Lelland Hotel; The former headquarters of dear old 
Abraham Lincoln, And where they still retain the same 
furniture and bedding, they did during that illustrious 
gentleman’s lifetime. Every citizen in that town, (that’s 
carrying weight for age) will tell you of their close in¬ 
timacy between poor “Abe” and themselves. (God for¬ 
give them for lying). 

It is always safe to learn even from our enemies. 
Seldom safe to instruct even our friends. 

Did you ever consider that a little credit is a danger¬ 
ous thing? I was forcibly impressed of the same, when 
I read a sign in one of the stores here which read: “In 
God we Trust, Every one else cash down.” Call on 
Messrs. Johnson & Hatcher, two very bright and pro¬ 
gressive merchants. You tie your line up to them and 
then hear Mr. Hatcher line up on Astronomy, he is 
great, and to me, it’s a case of what he knows most of— 
Stars or Carpets, but you will also find in him one of 
the best boys on earth. 



97 


GETTING “OFF YOUR GROOVE” 


Idleness is an incubator of a lot of industrious in¬ 
iquity. 

Too many silks and satins, are liable to put out the 
kitchen fire. 

A wise man changes his mind, but a fool never. 

It would require a careful search to find anything 
paying smallest returns for the time wasted, “Than fish- 
ing.” 

The great thing is not living, so as to die happy, but 
so as to make others live happy. 

He’s soon forgotten who never forgets himself. 

Some men’s ideas of perseverance, is to see how long 
they can cherish ill feeling, for some real, or fancied, 
grievance. 

The most peacable man in the world is liable to get 
into trouble if he, plays cards to gamble. 

If you cherish a grudge against somebody all the 
days of your life, what have you gained by it? 

Groans contribute nothing to growth. 

Say, Pop, you are getting “Off your Groove.” Those 
many quotations, you have been handing me, I appreciate 



9 8 


GETTING “OFF YOUR GROOVE' 


and are good, and healthy, and will go with the “Des¬ 
sert,” but we are at Altoona and you , ll have only a cou¬ 
ple of hours, before you leave me at Pittsburg. Now you 
left off at Springfield, Ill., and as I only have Davenport 
and Rock Island, to visit before I return to Chicago, 
kindly put me next, as to who I am to see in those said 
cities. 

Well, boy, I hope you reach Davenport, Iowa, after 
supper hours, as both the Kimball and St. James Hotel 
are the limit, I think they use the sheets for table covers 
there, And I have a piece of steak, I got there that I am 
still using as a hinge on my sample trunk, but you will 
find a “Card” there in Davenport, in my friend Olyphant, 
of the Drake Furnishing Co., a great josher, but an 
elegant merchant and knows goods all right. Aleck, the 
colored head porter, who by the way has been a fixture 
at the Kimball for the last 25 years, will surely take good 
care of your trunks, and that they get to Rock Island 
safe. 

Then take that quaint old ferry boat over to Rock 
Island, and you meet there two of my dearest friends, 




GFTTING “OFF YOUR GROOVE*' 


Messrs. Clemann & Salzmann, who have built up a good 
business through their honest dealings to the citizens of 
that town. I have never in by long experience, met two 
gentlemen partners in business, who get along better to¬ 
gether, than they do, and they are instilling the same 
honest, conservative ideas, in the minds of their two sons, 
who are with them in their same store; I know their 
treatment of you will send you on your Rock Island train 
for Chicago, in a happy frame of mind, as they have 
often done for me. 

At the tail end of your trip, boy, say the last week 
or two, And surmising you had a good, and in your 
opinion, a successful trip, don’t get restless and neglect 
your work. Yes, we are all liable just about that time 
to get that eager feeling, that comes over all of us, after 
being out seven or eight weeks, to get back to dear old 
Nw York. Don’t let that feeling prevail to such an ex¬ 
tent, that it would cause you to neglect your labors. 
Work till the last moment, call on each and every cus¬ 
tomer that you think you can sell a bill of goods to. Keep 
right on till the last, till you have thoroughly squeezed 

tore. 




IOO 


GETTING “OFF YOUR GROOVE" 


the juice out of every lemon. You’ll find that same rest¬ 
less feeling asserting itself again, after you are home six 
or seven weeks; You get stale "Chair Warming," and 
are eager to return to the Road again. The mind wants 
to be working and it’s healthier for it, so never fear work. 

Yes, Pop, I have listened to you attentively, and now 
will you permit me, to ask you a few questions, as to 
some of those "Dear Friends" of yours, (that I hope 
will extend me better treatment than your dear friend, 
Don Carlos, at Atchison, Kansas, gave you, and your 
friend, Jack Young, And that you have given me letters 
of introduction to. From the nature of all those "Goody 
Goody" remarks you have been giving me, one would 
think you were talking to the occupants of the "Old La¬ 
dies Gabby Squad Association," or that you were one 
of those "Shining Lights" in young Rockfeller’s Sunday 
School class; Honor bright, Pop, you haven’t been 
"Stringing" me, have you? You have got the reputation 
and I know it, good and hard, of being a great "Josher," 
so hope what you have said to me, about your many dear 
friends, etc., etc., is in dead earnest, and as we say in the 



GETTING “OFF YOUR GROOVE' 


IOI 


classics, “Oh Tommey Bolis, De Factus De Tommatos 
Si Secundum Morton;” which means the juice of the 
lemon is yours; And as my big friend, Fred Schultz of 
Hoboken would say, “Gotterdaemaroong for you.” 

You can rest assured I am not going to wear a 
“Moncele,” or a pair of “Spats” on my trip, and neither 
do I expect to do any “Scientific Stunts,” or get on my 
hands or knees to any merchant or buyer, to get his or¬ 
der. And rest assured that if any of those “Memoran¬ 
dum Willies,” as you term them, attempt to jerk any 
of their capers into me, I’ll quickly remind them that I 
never put any money on “Dead Cards.” 

If I should at any time make a fool of myself, I’ll 
not advertise it broadcast; and Pop, remember if it is 
a little pleasantry that is requiste, (with some of them) 
to land the goods, it’s me that can give him (no matter 
how “Crouchey” he is), the lingo of an alive nature, I’ll 
never put “The Sinker on the Line for Him,” or do the 
“Torture Stunt;” If jollying is one of the real “Key 
Notes” to success, I’ll get in my “Deadly” sure. As 
you know as a “Cosey Corner Conversationalist,” I am 



102 


GETTING “OFF YOUR GROOVE” 


the real “Corn Dropper.” 

I will surely remind those “Memorandum Willie” 
boys, that an order in hand, is worth two in talk. It will 
be like pad money to me, decidedly to the “Rhine of the 
Cheese.” 



CHAPTER 16. 


The Boys’ Experiences; So Far. 

Well, I want to tell you my experience in Columbus, 
my first stop. I got into Mr. B.’s store with a “Come 
Unto Me, Little Children, Weep,” expression on my face. 
And landed a good order, but I thought you told me he 
was such a good friend of yours, why, he and Doc. Ed¬ 
wards said that you came near making family troubles 
for them, and that they thought seriously of suing 
you. They informed me that you had invited them to 
dine with you, while in New York one evening, at Mar¬ 
tin’s (at one and a half a throw), And then you were 
to take them to see Olga Nethersole, in “Sappho;” They 
said their dinner was fine, but did not know you belonged 
to the Prohibition Party. When you called for them at 
their hotel, they both had their “Glad Suits of Tuxedos” 
on, and that you toted them down to 14th St. to a 
“Rough House Show,” the Dewey Theatre, where all the 
women come out with their “Amputated” skirts on, and 


104 


THE BOY’S EXPERIENCES 


to their dismay and horror. I apologized to them for 
your conduct, And I hope I made a more favorable im¬ 
pression on them than you did: At all events I sold them 
sixty-one rolls more goods than you ever did, so that was 
going some. In Cincinnati, I was treated royally by 
both Mr. B. and Mr. A. J. The former said you were a 
“Wise Old Fish,” “A Promising Pigeon,” And that you 
never came out there to dig up “Angels;” I got a big 
order from him but as you told me, it was missionary 
work, I put the Boss’s name on it, and mailed it to 
him. In the evening Mr. A. J. invited me out to his 
Palace; Do you know Pop, it would be a pleasure for 
me, to double up wih some one of the female gender, that 
could provide a house like that for me, and the inside 
trimmings, You’d never have to look for the “Dish in the 
Ash Pan” there. When he went after the language he 
surely brought it home with him; But I’ll promise you 
I’ll never enter that Den of his downstairs again, his 
“Turkish Room.” He must have thought my system 
was “Aching for Grapes,” for when I left there, I thought 
I had a pair of rollers on. In the morning he gave me 



THE BOY’S EXPERIENCES 


I0 5 


a fine order: But he told me confidentially though, that 
since you got that “Bump” on the Railroad, he noticed, 
and thought you were a little “Shakey in the Steeple/ 
and you must have “Slipped on the CitronBut hopes 
you will get busy “Pyramiding.” 

Got an order also from Mr. Joe Allen, Mr. Richard 
Marshall, Mr. Dave May, Mr. Buddeke, and Mr. Heron. 
Came out of there with 116 rolls more than you sold 
there, but it is too early in the game, to let the chest 
measurement expand. 

In Indianapolis, called first on your friend Ed., Doc., 
and Fred Gall, and their buyer, Mr. Harrison, and they 
surely are a jolly bunch; their buyer is from Arkansas, 
he says, but he don’t look like a farmer; What they said 
about you would not look well in print, but gave me a 
fine order and wished for your future. The clerks at 
the Dennison Hotel, are a good lot of boys, and stated 
that when you were brought there after your railroad 
accident at Columbus, Indiana, they thought it was a 
case of a “Bier” with you, but thought you were either 
too tough, or too green to burn. As they never saw the 



io6 


THE BOY'S EXPERIENCES 


picture of an angel with a mustache on, they knew that 
you had friends in both places, and would not be lone¬ 
some. They surely have fine sample rooms at this 
hotel. 

Met your friend, Mr. Pollard, at Havens & Geddes 
Co. We dined that evening together, with his good wife. 
There was one thing I very much admired in him, his 
appetite, which would be an honor, to any Cannibal Isl¬ 
and Chief. He worked the bill of fare down to the 
printer’s name. I enjoyed their society very much. Mr. 
Me.Shane over to H. P. Wasson & Co., Frank and Will 
Kotterman, Mr. Feeney, of the Feeney Stove & Furnish¬ 
ing Co., and Mr. Ed. Kahn of the People’s Outfitting Co. 
all treated me splendidly, And I sold 92 rolls more there 
than you did on your last visit, and I commence to feel 
like I ought to start a few Roman Candles. Mr. Mc- 
Shane said you surely were a “Zizzler Right Off of the 
Dog Broiler,” and Mr. Pollard said he was going to pro¬ 
pose you as Chairman of the “Gab Feast.” 

In Chicago, I did not have the pleasure of meeting 
Mr. O. W., but was delighted to meet his 



THE BOY S EXPERIENCES 


I 07 


brother, Mr. Edward, and their treasurer, Mr. T., 
and as well their buyer, Harry Smith. They all gave me 
the “Warm Hand,” as well as a good order. And com¬ 
plimented me, by saying how much better, I displayed 
my samples than you ever did; And all wished to be 
remembered to you; But told me that you could throw 
“Colred Lights” all over that town, and that, You got 
hoarse, whispering to yourself, with “Shrieks of Silence.” 
And while you used “Large Bales of Conversation’’ gen¬ 
erally in selling thelm a bill, I sold them about $6,000 
more goods than you ever sold. But I’ll admit they also 
said some good wholesome things about you. 

I then called on Tommy Syron, as they call him, of 
Sears, Roebuck & Co. (God bless his big Hibernian 
heart.) He surely made me happy with the largest, and 
best order I have taken so far; He said “An old Catapil- 
ler” like you, with a face full of “Human Countenance,” 
should have made room for a younger man years ago; 
But that you were no “Globe Trotter,” to follow the 
beaten paths of the “Perspiration Club,” but with all your 
faults, you were a “Chunk of Cold Truths” as to your 



ic8 


THE BOY’S EXPERIENCES 


business relations with him; And that you generally 
husbanded your resources of “Cold Cream Gab” for him, 
And that he has enjoyed many pleasant hours with you, 
And your “Rough House” stories were a source of amuse¬ 
ment to his family; and in conclusion said “Shin Hane, 
Shin Fane” for you. 

Then I called on Dave L. and he introduced me 
to his cousin Sol, And say Pop, there is a great pair to 
draw too, And one of the first salutations was, “You 
surely resemble your father in one respect, Louie, you 
have a good “Poker Face” and that I looked all to the 
“Paprika;” I told them that was a “Hot One” and they 
never got to it, till I told them “Apples Drop in the Fall,” 
and if they ever dropped, And all I got was an imitation 
stage laugh like Morton does in his vaudeville turn. 
They certainly are a pair of “Joshers.” At 8 P. M. T 
found myself at Dave’s house where I had the pleasure 
of meeting Mrs. Dave and Mrs. Sol L., two estimable 
ladies. Dave surely must have been following Presi¬ 
dent Roosevelt’s advice, for he introduced me to his six 
beautiful children (who all looked like their mother), 



THE BOY’S EXPERIENCES 


I09 


thank goodness for that. But I found when I reached 
the Palmer House at 4 A. M., I was $9.40 to 
the bad. And what do you think ? When I 
left them at one A. M. they directed me the wrong way 
to my hotel, till I found myself going further south, and 
at last got to a sleepy policeman, who directed me to a 
surface car, and as I stated above, got to the hotel at 4 
A. M. Sunday. They surely “Tanked” me, and I looked 
like a “Sheep Herder” or a big “Mess of Fresh Pork,” but 
enjoyed both my visit and the joke: They told me Mon¬ 
day morning, that they had given you the same dose 
once; So did not let it ruffle, or destroy my natural 
sweet disposition, But if they ever try to fool me again, 
I’ll promise you the “Windows of my Heart will be 
Peeled for them.” But they surely weaned me from my 
$9.40, and you’ll have to show me how I can charge that 
up. 

Next I called on Mr. Basse Collins, of Messrs. John 
M. Smyth Co. I had the pleasure of meeting Mr. John 
M., and if I am a good judge of human nature, there is a 
gentleman that appeals to me, as being the persomfica- 



no 


THE BOY’S EXPERIENCES 


tion of honor. Just as you stated, Basse is a good judge 
of Carpets and Rugs; When I handed him your letter 
of introduction, he looked me over with a “Bushel of 
Suspicion,'*’ and accused me of being your brother. But 
he took me into his confidence right off the reel; And 
told me if I succeeded in selling as many goods, as you 
had each year, I would be wearing diamonds in a short 
time; I did not like to impart the information to him 
that so far, I had you “Phased” to a stand still, as I saw 
he, like all the rest here in Chicago, seemed to think 
a great deal of you, so did not wish to interfere with that 
impression he held of you. After toying with a “Grilled 
Lobster” and the trimmings, I sold him a nice bill, but 
he is a conservative buyer for keeps, said he could dupli¬ 
cate, whenever he needed the stuff. He said you ought 
to buy a “Bee to Sting You,” as he thought you had a 
very “Gamey Past,” but that you usually sneaked in “In 
the Killing” and generally landed the “Advance Royal¬ 
ties,” And that you always floated and drifted in there, 
Clothed and Fitted out like a “Spectacular Show,” with 
“Noisy Clothes,” to cover up your age, and that a 




THE BOY'S EXPERIENCES 


III 


“Giddy Old Pelican” like you, ought to have better 
sense. 

All your friends in Chicago, such as Messrs. Speigle, 
Hartmann, Ike Fish, Frank Brundage, Jack Levy, Cun¬ 
ningham (at Rothschild’s), Kennedy, (at Revell’s &Co.), 
Duffy (at A. Klien’s), Tom Richey, and George Sand¬ 
berg, all treated me right and all wished to be remem¬ 
bered; I think George M. Cohan had you in view when 
he wrote “Popularity,” (as far as Chicago is concerned). 
No wonder you had such warm praise for that city. I 
must also admit it’s great, and its merchants and buyers 
are a fine lot, and there are other attractions, (especially 
on State Street), that look attractive to me. Came out 
of that dear old town, wih 287 more rolls of Carpet and 
2,000 more Rugs than you sold on your last trip there, 
And can now say “Hurrah! Mother’s got work.” 

On the train on my way up to Milwaukee, Pop, I 
met one of those, what you term “SoubrettesThe 
keenest and sweetest kind of a looker, but she wasn’t as 
young as she used to be; And when I suggested that she 
ought to “Steam her face in some laundry, (as she looked 





I I 2 


THE BOY’S EXPERIENCES 


like a “Discard” to me), it came very near breaking up 
our friendly relations. She turned out to be a “Rich 
Widow,” who does not show her age; And from the 
nature of her converse, I thought she ought to join the 
“Roll of Gabby Squabs,” in the “Thirst Squad.” I 
thought it was about time for the colored man to an¬ 
nounce that dinner was now ready in the Dining Car, 
so took my “Sneak,” as I thought it was a sort of a 
“Fountain Pen Touch” from her; So ’twas me to the 
“Hoof,” as you know Pop, I am not liable to the “Lady 
fever Worm;” so always shun women I think are mem¬ 
bers of the “Matrimonial Trimming Syndicate.” So I 
parted with her, and hied me to the Smoking section. 

Well, the breweries in Milwaukee are a wonder and 
the flavor of that “Teutonic Beverage” they make there 
(Schlitz & Pabst) are both “To the Merry;” I sampled 
one of each last night, and they gave me a “Jolting Pang” 
and I got up in the morning with a “Buck Fever.” Found 
all the Buyers here are just as you suggested a good set of 
boys and was treated proper by all of them: Sold seven 
bills there, that’s one more to the good than you transact- 




THE BOY’S EXPERIENCES 


11 ? 

ed on your last trip. I called on that “Memorandum 
Willie” you referred to; He with the long flowing mus¬ 
tache; He’s old enough to know better; That mustache 
of his would make good soup strainers; Well, would you 
believe it Pop, he tried it on me, And I told him point 
blank of his world wide reputation, And advised him to 
either give it up or take something for it as when a man 
talks to himself, he either thinks he has got money in 

the bank, or is talking to a d-d fool. I never saw 

a man with a “Rag Carpet Face” like that, that was ever 
any good, and I don’t think he liked the “Juice of a 
Lemon” I handed him. The Plankinton Hotel is surely 
a good house, and the clerks Ed. and Mac, both wished 
to be remembered, and Milwaukee is to the good. 




CHAPTER 17. 

More Experiences; Not Sad. 

I’ll admit Pop, so far I have not found any “Delega¬ 
tion of Buyers” or “Limelights” awaiting my arrival, at 
any of the depots; And our Manager was surely “Stall¬ 
ing you” when he said Imperial Velvets and our other 
goods, sold themselves, as I surely have had to work, 
but as you advised, I love my work. 

I tell you it’s an expensive jump from here to St. 
Paul, And as I was getting into the Sleeper at 9 P. M. 
I thought of those few lines, by our friend Owney Geog- 
hean, of the Bowery: 

The man that whispers down the well, 

About the goods he has to sell 
Won't reap the glaring dollars 
Like the one who climbs the Tree and Hollers. 

No modern typewriter, is equal to the task of des¬ 
cribing the rapture and joy within me to-day, as I book¬ 
ed one of the largest orders from your genial friend, Mr. 


MORE experiences; not sad 115 

Al. S., of the firm of Schuneman & Evans. He 
surely was the “Fire Works;” and I felt very grateful to 
him, and his able assistant, Mr. Frank Scheiner, for their 
kindly treatment. Mr. S. complimented me by 
saying he thought I was an improvement, on that old 
“Antique” father of mine, but also said some jolly good 
things of you. Mr. Fred Norway of Field, Schlick & 
Co., Mr. Williams of Finch, VanSlyck & Co., and Mr. 
Lewis Weidenborner, of the American House Furnish¬ 
ing Co. all gave me substantial orders, also sold Mr. 
Wallboom and Will Matthais. But kept away from that 
“Memorandum Willie” opposite the Hotel, as I had no 
time to assassinate, and leave to-night for Minneapolis; 
Where I am very eager to meet what you term, two of 
your dearest friends, Messrs. Walter and William Bou- 
tell. 

I have just left the above gentleman and have had 
the pleasure of meeting their esteemed father, and their 
brother John; And Say Pop, they are all surely to the 
good, but like to josh a Kid like me: They first intro¬ 
duced me to that “Sawed Off” Colored Elevator boy, 



i6 


MORE experiences; not sad 


with all those “Near Diamonds” scattered all over him, 
and Mr. William said, they were going to have his ears 
pierced, and wear Ear Rings as he loved jewelry so. 

But both Mr. Walter and William kept telling me, 
that they never wanted to “Embarrass you” when you 
came there, And it was too deep for me, so was not in¬ 
quisitive. They are surrounded by a bright, gentleman¬ 
ly lot of salesmen also: As you stated I consider their 
store the finest furniture store in the Country. Socio¬ 
logically, they are the “Touts De Suite” as we would say 
on Broadway between 34th and 42nd Street; And they 
certainly made my carpets look “Dressy” by giving me 
an order for 64 more rolls than you ever got from that 
firm; And they again broke in that they never liked to 
“Embarrass You.” Mr. Walter said that you always 
looked to him like a “Specialty Rush” at the opening of 
a “New Reservation,” and that you no sooner booked 
your order, than it was a “Get Away” with you, as if you 
wanted to ride on a “Refrigerator Car,” And that you 
imagined you had taken the gilt off the “Ginger Bread,” 
And that you talked like a “Burglar Alarm Bark” And al- 





MORE experiences; not sad 


1 x 7 


ways had you down for a “Supper time Chaser” but that 
you certainly, are the “Aces.” But he also said that he 
hoped I would be as attentive to business and become as 
successful a salesman as you were, and I apreciated that 
very much. Done right well, so far, and looking over 
your last trip sales and my own I find I have sold 682 
rolls of carpet and 3210 rugs more than you did, so hope 
it will keep up, as it may remind you, and a lot of other 
older salesmen, that it is time for a great many men, to 
realize that they have reached the Dr. Osier age limit, 
and that younger salesmen are entitled to the same op¬ 
portunities in life, as were extended you. 

I know that my firm and Manager, are satisfied 
with my exertions and sales. Our Manager, is not gifted 
to writing very much, is he? And I am glad of it. You 
notice I have not got “Foot Loose,” since I have been 
away, and while I aim not the “Loud Whistle” I don’t 
think I will have to eat “Cannine Concrete Crackers” for 
supper this winter. You bet, to do, what I have done so 
far has debarred me of the pleasure of “Cutting Roses”: 
Got your little Christmas gift all O. K. and wish to thank 




MORE experiences; not sad 


i 18 


you for same, also your encouraging letter; On Christ¬ 
mas I treated myself to a “Hair Cut,” and had some But¬ 
tons sewed on my Overcoat, so had quite a fine Christ¬ 
mas, but it was terribly cold here in Minneapolis, I had 
to wear Gum Shoes and Ear Mufflers; I’d never do in 
that Rig for a picture in a “Stylish Page,” or a “Front 
Page Spread;” In the afternoon I put on my “Open Face 
Suit,” And took dinner with Mr. Walter Boutell and his 
family, and came away with my “Pants Choking Me,” 
and Pll be ashamed to look a Turkey in the face for a 
year, had a jolly time, and again he spoke so nice about 
you; He said you were a good Duck on your own Pond,” 
but when you struck strange, or deep water, you forgot 
how to swim; And thought, in your early days, you must 
have been bitten by a Fox, and you never got over it; 
And that you must have surely weaned your “Knicker¬ 
bockers” early in life. I thought I was good bridge 
whist player (in New York) but their Father gave me an 
Allopathic dose of “Twenty-four Carot English,” in that 
game that I’ll never forget, and he was tickled to death, 
with over heated bliss, at beating me. 



CHAPTER 18. 


“A Corn Husker” Senator. “A Trouble Maker/’ 

Arrived at Sioux City at 5 A. M. and if there is any¬ 
thing in this world I despise, is a Colored Porter on a 
Sleeper, waking me up at 4130 A.M.; Am on the “Balcony 
of Agitation” to see them Sioux Indians you told me, 
were thick and plenty here. 

Well, it’s 11130 A. M., and regret to say this is the 
first stop over, I lost my meal ticket in. The ‘Pole Cat” 
has surely spit on me here, and any more “Lay Offs” 
like this, will I know destroy my beautiful disposition; I 
don’t want to dump my cargo of hard luck on any one, 
but I surely got it here. One Buyer in New York, two 
others in Chicago, and the other two, had already pur¬ 
chased their goods “Curses on the Luck,” as my friend 
Pie Ball McClintock would say: Struck a Barber Shop 
here to have the Spinach, on my face trimmed, and found 
it was “A scandal information bureau”: They gave ev¬ 
ery one a “Sting:” I got mine for twenty-five cents for 


120 


“a corn husker” senator 


a shave, as they saw I was not a native, but am thankful 
for that; But you surely handed it to me also, about the 
Red Men, I’d meet here, I did not even hear a “War 
Whoop” or see a “Papoose,” And the only Indians I rec¬ 
ognized, were in front of Cigar Stores, “Dead Ones.” 

Omaha looks good to me, but the odor I struck here 
after crossing that long bridge that spans the Missouri 
River, would paralyze a “Rich Widow looking for 
Marks”; Mr. Anderson, manager of the Iler Grand Ho¬ 
tel, said anyone bearing your name, were ever welcome 
to his house, and he would always do anything to make 
me comfortable, but he said those two Johns, you trav¬ 
elled with, who are in the Curtain business, He said they 
generally tried to turn his house, into a Circus: He was 
glad to hear you were off the Road, and hoped the two 
Johns would adopt the same plan, and quit comfng to 
Omaha. He also said he hoped you would have to buy 
a “Lawn Mower” to clip your coupons, and hoped you 
had a barrel of the “Green,” so that you could always 
walk on the “Gilded Gang Way.” Say Pop, I never want 
to separate any one from his “Religion,” but what nation- 



A CORN HUSKER SENATOR 


iai 


a 


ality is Mr. Anderson? A Portuguese or a Peruvian? 
He looks so much like “Piano 'Mike,” the Loon Boy Pady 
Whisky.” Sold three good bills here, to make good for 
that odor, I got entering this town; The natives informed 
me that that, eminated from the Stock Yards, where they 
were cremating, and getting rid of a lot of medicated, car¬ 
ried over stock, of prepared and old Canned Meats; As 
they expected the U. S. Inspectors here this week, “In 
Cog” (whatever that means) and they wanted to show 
them what clean, and pure meats, they were feeding us 
people, what they term the “Common Herd.” Mr. Wil¬ 
helm and his son, make a bright team, And he said he 
knew you when you used to jump through a “Paper 
Hoop” in a Circus, and before you broke into “Good So¬ 
ciety” ; I tell you he must have a great memory. I fell 
into contact with a peculiar character on the train going 
down to Des Moines. He was a Prohibition and Re¬ 
publican (combined), State Senator, It was lucky for 
him, he did not only get the former nomination, if he 
had, it would have been “Snow Balls, for Dumplings” 
this winter for him. He was one of those long, elong- 



122 


“a corn husker” senator 


ated, hungry looking “Corn Huskers” that reminded you 
of one of those “Razor Back Hogs” you meet so often in 
dear old North Carolina: He had been up to Council 
Bluffs, and got separated from his income in a horse deal, 
and they must have passed him along to the “Scrap Dis¬ 
card”; I saw right away that he was a “Trouble Maker,’ 
as he commenced unloading, what he knew on me, about 
Prohibition and its goodness, etc., etc.; And after listen¬ 
ing to him for forty-five minutes (it took him that long to 
tell me all he knew,) I told him I understood the U. S. 
Government recognized, and licensed the manufacturing 
of Beers and Whiskeys, and lookd upon it as a legiti¬ 
mate traffic. And I thought any State, who did not rec¬ 
ognize the laws of the U. S. (which are always para¬ 
mount to any state law) then that state, believed in State 
Rights, the same, as the Southern States did in 1861, and 
they believed they had the right to secede from the 
Union. 

Sold your old friend Mr. Shurben of Yonkers Bros., 
James Garry, of the People’s House Furnishing Co., and 
Mr. Brown of the Emery Co.; And Jimmie Garry told me, 



“a corn husker” senator 


123 


a good one on you: He said he hoped I would treat him 
better than you usually did; as he said, you drifted into 
their store, and told him a lot of “Rough House Anti¬ 
quated Stories”, And when you left town, he found you 
had charged him, one and two cents a yard up for listen¬ 
ing to said stories. Sold 26 more rolls and 78 Rugs than 
you did on your last sojourn here; But still, I don’t think 
I am (the “Swine Center” of the Earth)” Rand & Mc¬ 
Nally, should put this town, and Sioux City on their 
maps as “Sage Brush” towns. 

Arrived in St. Joe, Missouri, on Sunday A. M. by 
the Mapleleaf Railroad, and met here the three Jacks, 
Young, Morris, and 'Meinch, you so often spoke to me 
about, and who that Mr. Anderson of the Iler Grand 
Hotel of Omaha so loves. I was eating some fish for 
my breakfast, when they came in and sat at the same ta¬ 
ble with me, and they commenced by saying “That’s 
right, Kid, eat plenty of Fish, it makes Brain”: I re¬ 
plied that it might be suggestive, that they order a Whale 
for their breakfast; And they said “Gee, like Father, like 
Son.” Then Jack Morris, commenced telling about a lot 




124 “a corn husker” senator _ 

of Medical Students coming to a Restaurant, and having 
one regular table to sit at, and what they would say and 
do, if they ever caught or found a stranger at said table 
etc., etc. Of course, it was “To the Limberger,” but like 
yourself it never phased me; in fact I enjoyed it. And 
they said if I wound up, on “Foolish Powders” for des¬ 
sert, I’d have a “Clear Garret” and a “Clean Set of Swell 
Lamps,” that would make other salesmen feel “Dippey” 
in my travels; I took them into my confidence as I liked 
them, and their company and told them I knew a “Mamie 
Boy” would never succeed, unless he was selling, “Real 
Ladies’ Garters,” and then he’d have to duck the “Shifty 
Sadies,” and before I got through giving them a lot of 
McArdle talk, they surely thought I was going to give 
them a “Dose of the Drops,” and they left me with the 
impression, I think, that they had not struck a Kinder¬ 
garten, And said “Louie, you are on, And you have been 
brought up in the right neighborhood.” 

Well, Pop, I found the “Ringhog” of the business 
here; He and his supposed Buyer, the two coldest prop¬ 
ositions I ever encountered: Yes, you cautioned me 




“a corn husker” senator 


I3 5 


about their memorandum proclivities; And as I had a 
few hours to spare thought I’d go and at least look them 
over. It was a treat; One was a tall, elongated, cadaver¬ 
ous looking creature ( and looked as if he had just drifted 
in from a “Raffle for an eight day Stove;”) And the other, 
wore a celluloid collar, and a “Concertina Hat” of the 
“Vintage of 1880, And he looked as if he were walking 
around to save funeral expenses, and dodging the under¬ 
taker; And kept saying to himself, “As I about to say; 
Well, after letting them assasinate about twenty minutes 
of my valuable time, they both took an O’Leary step, to 
the stove to talk to themselves, while I took a sneak and 
called on Mr. Eugene Lewis of Tootle, Wheeler & Mot- 
ter Mercantile Co.; And oh! what a difference; Sold Mr. 
Lewis a “Lala Palusa” of an order, in just 35 minutes af¬ 
ter I opened my trunks, sold two other bills, and then 
after settling my hotel bill, etc., I took the 4:30 P. M. 
train for Kansas City, Missouri. 

If Kansas City is as good as the New Baltimore Ho¬ 
tel is, it’s all right; they surely harnassed me up right 
here Pop, got a good room (with a window) at $3.00 a 




“a corn husker” senator 


126 


throw, with a Bath, European, of course; 

Called on Mr. R. K. first and he is surely a typical 
Southern gentleman, as you stated, and treated me right 
courteously as we’d say down in New Orleans, and said 
to me; “Come back, and take a chair, sir”. Yes Sir; In 
that good old Southern hospitable way. Found Mr. 
Beale, of his Cut Order Department, Mr. Larson his Car¬ 
pet Buyer, and his young Rug Buyer (with an unpro¬ 
nounceable name) all good, clean-cut boys, and I felt 
quite at home in their store. Also met their cashier, Mi. 
Morgan, as I had to get a check cashed and he asked me 
if I had any “New Ones,” to tell him, as you generally 
carried a scuttle full of them; And that you generally 
done the “Rip Van Winkle Stunt” to get the stuff: It’s 
annoying to have to do the “Earnest conversation Gag,” 
before you get your Manifold Order, but I hardly had to 
open my “Soup Cooler” to get the requisite, here and do 
my sketch, and I done a “Steve Brodie” jump, when I 
took 485 rolls, and 607 Rugs from said firm. It surely 
gave me a “Russet Shoe Complexion” for a few mo¬ 
ments, and I felt like “Spraying myself with Paris 




‘‘a corn husker” senator 


127 


GreenAnd leading myself to the “Booby Hatch”; 
Two of them took dinner with me that evening as I don’t 
believe in saving money, by “Starving my mind.” And 
then they led me to the “Young Men’s Kerosene Associa¬ 
tion where Mr. Larson was to sing, he has a great voice: 
He said he lost part of it crying for Rye Bread, when 
he was young, but he was going to get it manicured. 
Landed five other orders: A cracker from Mr. Deamer, 
and also one from Billy McClellan (they surely have Blue 
Blood running in their Anatomy). “Zimmy” at Repp & 
Duffs is also very much to the good, and Mr. Ryder of 
Ryder, Shane & Hyman surely knows his Primer; Do 
you know, he showed my line to himself, And it’s the 
only time, that I did not have to open my “Open face Re¬ 
peater” once to sell a bill: He said, “Young man, go sit 
down and write a few letters to yourself,” I have done 
this for your father hundreds of times, so give your 
“Mouth a Holiday.” He surely is a card, and a whole- 
sole good fellow; He said he knew you long before you 
were vaccinated; So will leave here with nothing but the 
odor of that Stock Yard, about me, six good orders, And 





128 


“a corn husker” senator 


favorable memories of its Merchants, Buyers, and Hotels. 

That surely was a tough jump from Kansas City, to 
Springfield, Illinons, and it cost me forty-eight “Plunks” 
to land me here. I wish I had ridden to the Leland 
Hotel on my arrival in a “Patrol Wagon,” instead of that 
little Bus I rode in: I think Rockefeller has stock in 
that Bus company, as the smell of kerosene in same, 
would make you feel as if you wanted to bite a dog: The 
ozone was surely to the “Standard Oil.” 

Called on Messrs. Johnson & Hatcher, and met them 
both, and they surely treated me right; and I’ll admit 
Mr. Hatcher certainly has a tongue that would “Kindle a 
Kitchen Fire,” and “Melt Ice off of the Front Sidewalk;” 
But he opened up a bottle of “Dally Salve,” about you, 
And he surely administered it to you good and thick, and 
I liked him for it. He took me out, and introduced me to 
dear old President Abraham Lincoln’s monument. It’s a 
beauty, but no better than he deserved, And Springfield, 
Illinois, should always be proud of being honored by hav¬ 
ing such an llustrious President buried there. He also 
showed me the house Lincoln lived in, and his law offi- 



129 


“a corn husker” senator 


ces, all of which were very interesting to me. Gave me 
a very fine and juicy big order, and as you suggested I 
tied my line up to them in that city; 

Before leaving him he said that usually when you 
got here your “Coggs” needed greasing, but you were 
a little shy, of the “Rough Stuff” they sold here. As I 
had a bad cold, I told him I’d enjoy toying with one, and 
he guided me to a “Speak Easy,” and I tangled with one 
dose of the “Tansey,” and to tell you the truth it felt 
like a “Ton of 'Coke,” going down the shutes: It tasted 
like the real “Bug variety” and gave me a terrible flop by 
tossing a “Skelly” like that into me. He said you surely 
were the “Medicine,” And that you were a good “Toy 
Bellows,” but that you always tried to sell him Carpets 
“By Absent Treatment,” and very little trade talk. 



CHAPTER 19. 

Sonny Does Give “It” to Papa. 

Well Pop, I am so far 940 rolls of Carpets and 3638 
Rugs ahead of you, on your last trip, and have got Dav¬ 
enport and Rock Island yet to make, and a return trip 
to Chicago, where I have made engagements to show four 
other different parties; And I am commencing to throw 
“Kisses and Lavender” water, at myself, at above re¬ 
sults, as it suggests itself to me, that you should have 
left the Road some years ago. 

Well, I took my “Blind Baggage” to the “Whistling 
Station,” and out of the “Dry Grass” of this beautiful city 
where they have some beautiful stores “To Let,” And l 
should judge it would be a good town for a Circus; 

Arrived in Galesburg at 4 P. M. and as my train did 
not leave for Davenport, Iowa, till 5 P. M. I risked an 
apology for a feed, at that “Trough” at the Depot, And 
I'll admit it was much better than I struck at some of the 
hotels; But those two waitresses, don’t they remind you 


SONNY DOES GIVE “IT** TO PAPA 131 


of the ‘‘Cherry Sisters?" One told me that she used to 
run a Freight out of that Depot for years. She said 
they were known as the “Apple Sisters," Seedy and 
Corey. They surely are a couple of female Rhinestone 
Sports" in the “Rapid Circle" and ought to wear “Blue 
Jeans." Got to Davenport at 9 P. M. Following day 
called at the Drake Furniture Co., met your friend Mr. 
Olyphant; Went into the store as you requested me to 
do, with a look from my “Bright lamps, a cheerful Ha 
Ha, and an open break, in my Tawlk line; Well, you put 
me wise as to him and what a “Josher" he was, but you 
know Pop, I’m a pretty old Cat to let kittens play with 
me; But he commenced by saying that you surely was 
an Octogenarian, and ought to have been shelved years 
ago, as you always seemed to be pining for “Oriental Ex¬ 
travagance." And you were a “Sleep Producer" and “Pan 
Handler," but could not print his other remarks about 
you; In reformed spelling. But withal that he did not 
give me a very “Frosty Mit," as I cleaned up 85 rolls and 
160 Rugs with him. Really some one ought to burn the 
hotel in this town. 




1 3 2 


SONNY DOES GIVE “it” TO PAPA 


Took that old ferry boat across the river to Rock 
Island, and old Colored Aleck; The Porter at the Kim¬ 
ball, saw that my trunks got over safe. He surely hand¬ 
ed me a “Valentine” about you, said you, Mike Jordan, 
Jim Flanagan, Frank Hardcastle, Joe Moore, and Frank 
Schlagle were what he termed the “Old Guard,” And 
that you all favored him with a “Possum” every time 
you came to town, so handed him two bones, and he 
done a “Hand Spring” for me. 

Well, The Harper House here, is a decided improve¬ 
ment over the Kimball at Davenport, I am no Kicker (as 
I have not played Foot Ball in six years) but that Hotel 
would kill any town. Mr. McHugh, of the Harper 
House, knows how to run a hotel, if he don’t know how 
to save money; Well, I found your friends, Messrs. Cle- 
menn and Salzmann good and clever Merchants, and they 
asked me a favor, not to spring any of your “Crabs” on 
them. We went across the street to the Opera House 
and we mingled there with some of the prominent citi¬ 
zens of the town (and a few Base Ball Players), and they 
informed me after the third round, that they were aching 




SONNY DOES GIVE “it” TO PAPA 


133 


to Pin Medals on you for having sold them a “Large Hold 
Out/’ that they could not even sell to a “Blind Asylum.” 
They and their two sons treated me fine, and they surely 
are popular and respected in that city, and they are what 
we call in the “Tender cut, Spilwiggins” which in Ger¬ 
man means a couple of d-d good fellows; And they 

gave me a splendid order; And said if you ever looked 
for work again, they would think you had something 
the matter with your eyes. As you usually worked 
from Soup to Nuts. But that you never let anyone “Tin 
Can” you by a noisy pilot or “Pump Handle” you, and 
that some of your resmarks would make an Encyclopedia 
look like a cook book, and that you usually came into 
their store looking as if you were “Lithographed” in light 
colors, like a small pickle, and that you could tell time 
better by the Sun, than by a clock. I notified them I 
had to “Grab” that 12 M. Rock Island train for Chicago 
and they surely aided me, as they said they had often 
done for you, and oh! how glad I am to get back, as you 
stated I would be, to dear old Chicago; And then as 1 
hope to have the price of a ticket for dear old Manhattan 




134 


SONNY DOES GIVE “IT” TO PAPA 


Isle, (where I hope to be about January 13th.) I certain¬ 
ly met a peculiar bunch on the train for Chicago. Our 
freight consisted principally of six newly married cou¬ 
ples, and four others under suspicion, and their line of 
talk, telling their respective experiences was to say the 
least “Cheesy” but laughable to me. I know now why 
you always came home all tired out, for I tell you Pop, 
the last seven weeks have convinced me, that I have 
not been out on a “Traffic Squad” and demonstration for 
laughing purposes. I also found out that at different ho¬ 
tels I visited that I had to use my boarding house hooks, 
and reach to get mine. 

Never get weaned from your money Pop, or I’ll 
think you lack “Epitomized Intelligence.” 

Never dress with a “Noisy Seersucker Vest” or a 
“Peekaboo Shirt,” or never guzzle too much of the Booze. 



CHAPTER 20. 


A Man for Sale: As Road Business; Is Hell. 

I hate to interfere with any one’s game or graft, es¬ 
pecially a lady’s, but I was wondering if I lost my job, if 
I could follow in the footsteps of Miss Elizabeth Magie 
of Chicago, and offer myself for sale, to some handsome 
young lady of a good figure, say a $100,000. As a lova¬ 
ble, and affectionate husband; And as her principal circu¬ 
lator of the Long Green. That being one of my strong 
suits, and I take great pleasure in my work, in fact, love 
it. I can’t see where I interfere with any of these female 
“Marriage Bureaus” or with Elizabeth’s “Turn;” And 
have an ad read like this for a pedigree: “Born in New 
York, sired by Hambeltonian and Damned by everyone, 
(of no account).” Unfortunately have only a twenty- 
three cent education, instead of a $10,000 one, five feet 
ten inches tall, and thirty-three years old, dark complex¬ 
ion, perfectly healthy, weight 225 pounds, no bad habits 
outside, of being fond of the ladies, good all round 


1 3 6 


A MAN FOR SALE 


“Josher” and spender (when I have it), like a little of the 
“Ruby and the Grape” in the distilled form, and can open 
wine as if I were an embezzler, Smoke, play Poker, Faro, 
the Wheel, Craps, and the Ponies. Will not annoy you 
much evenings, as I can arrange not to be much at home, 
so you see “Little One,” I have very few bad habits, or 
vices; Am very lovable, and affectionate when I want the 
“Cush,” Will not lie to you, Daughter, unless you force 
me to it; Got a beautiful appetite; ”1 borrowed from a 
big red dog.” If applicants cooking, does not come up to 
“Mother’s Standard,” in that Art, then trouble is liable to 
occur in the domicile; As my Sunday School Teacher, 
Libbie Jean Libby once said; “To get along with the 
Brutes, you have got to feed them all they want;” And 
you bet Lillie knows her Primer; Now girls, avoid the 
rush; No replies or answers to the above, unless you en¬ 
close a full and vivid description of yourselves and your 
photographs (no Ringers, girls), also a two cent stamp, 
and a certified check for the amount of your offer: Now 
“Sweethearts.” get in line, talk plain and if the same 
looks good to me “Dearie,” it won’t take us long to talk 



A MAN FOR SALE 


137 


shop. I make the above offer as I hate to see all of your 
sex have a monopoly of all the “Good Things,” going to 
seed; And I don't think we will conflict with one anoth¬ 
er, I want, though to give Elizabeth credit for her orig¬ 
inal idea that has put me wise. For I think Pop, this 
road business is “Hell” (with apologies to Miss McGale.) 



CHAPTER 21. 

Papa Gets Some More from His Offspring. 

As you gave me some kindly suggestions and advice, 
in the form of some very clever sayings, may I be allowed 
and permitted, to hand you a few, picked up along my 
1,000 mile ramble: Especially since I have heard a great 
deal about you, and what many of your “Dear Friends” 
think of you. But before I commence, I wish to state 
that I met your old friend, Mr. J. Tiemeyer from St. 
Louis here, and sold him a nice bill; And while at lunch, 
he told me a funny one about you: He said years ago 
(during the Chicago World’s Fair) and while you were 
in St. Louis one day, he made an engagement to look 
at your goods at 8 A. M. the following morning, but was 
detained until 8 :$o A. M. when he met you in the corri¬ 
dor of a Southern Hotel, in company with the late, Mr. 
Frank Lane, who represented Judd & Co., Brass Goods, 
etc., And also a tall dignified looking gentleman of for¬ 
eign features; whom he afterwards found out was a Mr. 


PAPA GETS SOME MORE FROM HIS OFFSPRING 139 


Schultz who was a Mineralogist from Vienna, Austria, 
and who had been for his firm visiting California, Colora¬ 
do, Nevada, New Mexico, and Mexico, in search of our 
American precious stones, etc., and was then on his way 
to Chicago to arrange the exhibit of his firm’s goods at 
the Chicago Fair. It seems Frank Lane introduced 
you to his friend, Mr. Schultz and informed you of his 
being a Mineralogist from Vienna, when you took out a 
Pearl (as they supposed) from your vest pocket, handed 
it to Mr. Schultz and asked him what a pearl of that 
size was worth, in his country, and he stated about $40.00 
American money, And you took the same out of his hand 
and swallowed it; And our Austrian friend said; My Gra¬ 
cious, I have heard of the Shah of Persia eating pearls for 
his breakfast, but never have I heard or seen an American 
Drummer do so. Poor Frank Lane, he stated, called on 
you that same evening (with a friend) to find out frotm 
you what caper you had played on our Austrian Miner¬ 
alogist. When you informed him, you had a bad cold, and 
you simply swallowed a five grain coated quinine pill, 
that our Austrian friend thought was a pearl. Mr. Tei- 



140 


PAPA GETS SOME MORE FROM HIS OFFSPRING 


meyer said he would not have known of the above only 
the same came out in the St. Louis Republican. Mr. 
Lane’s friends who called on you with him, was a report¬ 
er on said paper, and wrote it up as a good joke. 




CHAPTER 22. 


Timely Advice, from the Young to the Old. 

Also Apologies, for This. 

I never got time in my whole trip to lie down and 
leave an early call for myself. 

Never chew tobacco after your salad course. 

Never dare a rich widow to marry you. 

Nothing but six feet of earth will keep a good man 
down (or a bad one either). 

Don’t spread too much salve or kind words, they 
may get suspicious of you. 

Never get abusive in an argument, as you are liable 
to get a “Purple Egg Plant” over the left eye. 

Never be a “Barber Cheater,” you look better for it. 

Never keep your money air tight. 

Talk is cheap, unless you have it done by a lawyer. 

Any harness will chafe, if you fret in it. 


14 * 


TIMELY ADVICE 


I did not have to put “False Whiskers” on, in going 
into any man's store; Neither did the thought ever occur 
to me that I was a “Pippin” notwithstanding I had many 
a dose of Aloes given me, when I should have had the 
“Seed Cake” and other “Stimulants.” 

If I could get a reserved seat in Heaven, for a nickel, 
I'll bet it’s me to the gallery. 

Yes Pop, I convinced a lot of them, that while I may 
not be “Cherries Ripe,” I never permitted them to tie 
horses to me. 

Now let's get down to “Brass Tacks,” this Road Bus¬ 
iness is certainly “Sporting Life” simplified, as you can 
have a “Birthday” whenever you want it. 

I used to be a “Uster,” but got to it, before my em¬ 
ployers notified me, that there was no cure for you— 
Uster—It is, but the undertaker, no Doctor could master 
it. 

I also found, as you told me, that the Theatre nights, 
beats the Bar to a “Stand Still” and it’s only “One Case" 
for gate money. 




TIMELY ADVICE 


M3 


Yes, I invariably let pleasure follow business, if I 
had not, my Order Book would not look as good to me as 
it does; But at the same time I was not always hunting 
for the Saucer, that belonged to the “Cup of Sorrow.” 

When you cackle don't be too loud about it. 

I never traveled by the “Homley Freights,” while 1 
had the price of a “Pullman” with accessories. 

Never had “ Cut Rate and Bargain Counter” prices 
for my goods, always adhered to the prices given me by 
my firm. 

An empty purse is no evidence of an empty head. 

I never entered any man’s store looking like a “Pen¬ 
ny Weight” after a little easy money, or with my hat in 
my hand, my heart beating at 1 : 6 y, or walking as if I 
needed “Interfering Boots.” 

A heart of Gold is better than a cheek of Brass. 

I ran across a cheap scout in the Cafe last night, and 
after purchasing about a ton of the “Sporting Stuff” and 
pouring a goodly share of same into his frame work, 
with a little Lobster a la Newburgh on the side; He put 
me on the “Balcony of Thought,” by offering to match 




144 


TIMELY ADVICE 


me, who should pay the car fare; Wasn’t that the exub¬ 
erance of generosity? 

Never had to talk religion once, on my whole trip 
Pop, as I argued (not like you) that religion is good as a 
trade, but poor as a tool. 

Found also that Actions not only speak louder than 
words, but have a more beneficial effect. 

The more you say, the less people remember. 

Any business neglected goes to pieces very speedily. 

He makes little out of life, who is always on the make. 

Few men have weak eyes from looking upon the bright 
side of life. 

Even Dressmakers know that “Figures” sometimes 

lie. 

Depreciating others will not help the world to ap¬ 
preciate you. 

Liberty is the lover of law. 

A wrong is always worth forgetting. 

It is more profitable to read one man than ten books. 

A kind heart never has to wait long for a chance to 
“Get Busy.” 




TIMELY ADVICE 


*45 


It takes more than lumber and glue, to make the tree 
of life. 

To accept a gift is to dissolve the pearl of independ¬ 
ence, in the vinegar of obligation. 

Fools brag, when wise men admit. 

Selfishness is the most contemptible characteristic of 
human nature, yet is the most common. 

A good errand makes a short road. 

A head full of common sense is worth a bushel of 
learning. 

Another Man's trade costs money. 

A silent man's words are not brought into court. 
Burning the ledgers will not balance the books. 

A Mother’s tears are the same, in all languag.es. 
Many a man who stands on his dignity, gets a hard 

fall. 

The man who is willing to go to Heaven alone may 
find, he is going the other way. 

The morning is wiser than the evening. 

Vigorous thoughts must come from the brain. 



146 


TIMELY ADVICE 


Many people get credit for being bright, when that is 
only one of the requisites for success. 

Malice is sharper at the hilt than in the blade. 

Empty homes make aching hearts. 

There is many a man whom you would call a hero, 
for continuing the battle of life, if you only knew his 
trials and failures, his hopes and prayers unrequited, and 
his heart aches and his tears. 

Men who beg are usually, those who formerly squan¬ 
dered. 

It is the heart that makes head way. 

A fruitful life never becomes seedy. 

Another Turkish Atrocity, Rug, Cigarette, or Massa¬ 
cre? 

Work trains the will. 

Sober men never wear “Tights,” if they have sworn 

off. 

It’s surprising how many really good people there are 
in this wicked world; If one can take their word for it. 

Some people are accused of covering up their mean¬ 
ness; Well, It is better to do that, than to forever, keep 





TIMELY ADVICE 


147 


it on “Dress Parade.” 

He is ill clothed that is bare of virtue. 

It is a good deal better to live in a Glass House and 
to take your chances on Stones, than to have no windows 
at all. 

Nobody who understands the law of prices, will won¬ 
der at the man making himself scarce, when he feels 
cheap. 

You'll find in life, if you don't get off the shaft, You'll 
break the Mule’s back. 

Now Pop, don’t take umbrage or offence from any of 
the above, as you have often told me, to take lessons 
even from children. So in your dotage, and in reading 
the above “Quaint Ones” you may also find a few instruc¬ 
tive remarks, as I hope you, and your many friends, the 
Manufacturers, the Merchants, the Jobbers, the Commis¬ 
sion Agents, and last but not least, Commercial Travel¬ 
lers, will do. 

Thank Goodness I am all through and will be back 
to old New York on January the 13th. 

Now I presume and anticipate: The “Turn Over 



148 


TIMELY ADVICE 


Club” will get their Hammers, Sledge and Tack out, 
and give me what is actually due me, but in conclusion 
and in the way of an apology to my many friends, and 
readers, I wish to say and hope, that I have not in any 
way hurt their feelings or reputations. In the use of 
their names. I know some will say. Rubbish; Others 
perhaps; “No point to it;” All garbled, no fine situations, 
Ungrammatical; And still others will be cruel enough to 
say Non-Instructive. But way down in the bottom of 
your big hearts, you will have to acknowledge, there is 
some commonplace, wholesome advice in the above: 
And while the “Slang Phraseologies” and sayings, may 
sound ungrammatical to you, I have simply used same 
to cause a smile, and hope, in that respect, have proven 
somewhat successful, is the wish of the author. 





THE SCHUMANN ART PRINT 
South Norwalk, Conn. 





» 



























O “ C ■<$> 



° V* ° 

<& V ° 

<v *'•••' A° °* 

0 ^ s'LL*. ° 0 




if rr 


> ^5 

/ c\ % 



'o . » - A <> 

<5> c o - c „ o 

j* . 

■’o V* .“ ^ 



>^5 . * 

°' 'V,'*-’*’ ./ 


\0 * 7 *. 

» <*v - 




o. v "V 

v^v ( < ^ * 

O * O m k * . # v , >• >■ 

M , ^\\\W -> 

o V 




° >y° ^ 

o. ♦.„.' ,0 J %. *•■’• ^ 

, c\ .0 V 

v,/ *:^w. ^.,** . 


* v ^ • 



^r. < s .o 


■^' &_ 




o V 


. <Jy c o " a 4 <S> 

iTV . _r^SNv . ^ ’'P 

* ~~y _ 

- ^ r$ 

J- o 


i- 0-7 * 



o 


* O M 0 ° . 0 


c> j0^ » 

A** 

* 


V > 


s <y ^ 

%■<* • 

\ 


\ 


'\ 






^ ,. o « « * <*> 


L 1 6 



























